A  GUIDE   TO 


BEING  ENCODE 

DEFLECTIONS 

of  a 

BACHEL9B 
GIDL 


HELEN-ROWLAND 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


THE  MATERIAL  FOR 
THIS  BOOK  WAS  COL- 
LECTED  DIRECTLY 
FROM  NATURE  AT 
GREAT  PERSONAL  RISK 
BY  THE  AUTHOR 


O  B  O 


BOB 


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A  GUIDE  TO  MEN 


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A  BACHELOR'S  LIFE 

IS  ONE  LONG 
SOLO-USUALLY 

A  HYMN  OF 
THANKSGIVING 


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A    GUIDE    TO 

MEN 

BEING  ENCORE 
REFLECTIONS  OF  A 
BACHELOR  GIRL 


HELEN 
RO  WLAN  D 


PUBLISHED  IN  NEW  YORK  BY 
DODGE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT,      1922,      BY      DODGE 
PUBLISHING     COMPANY;     NEW     YORK 


To 
FANNIE  HURST 

Who  has  discoverd  the  secret  of  how  to  be 
happy,  though  wedded  to  an  art  and  to  a  man 
at  the  same  time. 


B  D  O 


Foreword  by  Fannie  Hurst  ...  13 

Overture  17 

Prelude 19 

Refrain  .  .  .  .  ., 21 

Bachelors 23 

First  Interlude      .......  27 

True  Love — How  to  know  it  ....  35 

Variations 38 

Blondes 42 

Cymbals  &  Kettle-drums  ....  44 

What  Every  Woman  Wonders  ....  50 

Second  Interlude 58 


Brides 

Syncopations 
Divorces 

Third  Interlude     .    .    . 
Widows 

Improvisations  .... 

Widowers 

Fourth  Interlude     .    .    . 
Second  Marriages 

Intermezzo 

Woman  &  Her  Infinite  Variety 
Maxims  of  Cleopatra   .... 

Finale   . 

Curtain 


63 
66 
73 
75 
81 
83 
89 
92 
99 
102 
109 
112 
118 
125 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


.    .     .    and  interrupts  him. 
Places  him  on  a  pedestal    .     .     . 
Married  to  a  human  being      .    . 
In  remembrance 
Half  a  love     .     .     . 
You  may  polish  him  up      .     .     , 
A  brand  new  sensation        .     .     . 
A  man  just  crawls  away    .    .    . 


23 

35 
63 
73 
81 
89 
99 
109 


FOREWORD 

A  SMALL  phial,  I  doubt  not,  could  contain  the 
attar  of  the  epigrammatic  literature  of  all 
time.    Few  of  the  perfumes  of  this  diminutive 
form  of  wit  and  satire  have  survived.     Pretty  and 
scented  vaporings,  most  of  the  thousands  and  thou- 
sands of  them,  -hat  have  died  on  the  air  of  the  foibles 
of  their  day. 

Yet  how  the  pungent  ones  can  persist!  The  racy 
old  odors,  which  are  as  new  as  now,  that  still  hover 
about  the  political  and  amorous  quips  of  the  Greeks. 
The  nose-crinkling  ones  of  the  French,  more  vine- 
gar-acrid than  perfumed,  although  a  seventeenth- 
century  proverb  calls  France  "a  monarchy  tempered 
by  epigrams."  The  didactic  Teutonic  ones,  sharply 
corrosive. 

The  greatest  evaporative  of  course  of  this  form  of 
bon  mot  is  mere  cleverness.  Wit  is  the  attar  which 
endures.  The  wit  of  Pope  and  Catullus,  Landor, 
Voltaire,  Rousseau  and  Wilde. 


II 


That  is  what  Rapin  must  have  had  in  mind  when 
he  said  that  a  man  ought  to  be  content  if  he  suc- 
ceeded in  writing  one  really  good  epigram. 

Helen  Rowland  stands  pleasantly  impeached  for 
writing  many.  She  has  a  whizz  to  her  swiftly 
cynical  arrow  that  entitles  her  to  a  place  in  the 
tournament. 

She  is  not  merely  anagrammatical,  scorns  the  coup- 
let for  the  mere  sake  of  the  couplet,  and  has  little 
time  for  the  smiting  word  at  any  price. 

In  the  entire  history  of  epigrammatic  expression 
there  are  few  if  any  whose  fame  rests  solely  upon 
the  brittle  structure  of  the  bon  mot.  Martial,  about 
whose  brilliant  brevities  can  scarcely  be  said  to 
hover  the  odor  of  sanctity,  is,  I  suppose,  remembered 
solely  as  a  wielder  of  the  barbed  word. 

Miss  Rowland  is  balanced  skilfully  upon  that  same 
slender  trapeze,  doing  a  very  deft  bow-and-arrow 
act,  her  archery  of  a  high  order. 


She  wields  a  wicked  bow,  a  kindly  bow,  a  swift,  a 
sure,  a  ductile  bow. 

Matrimony  is  her  favorite  target  (so  was  it  Bombo's 
and  Herrick's  and  even  political  Parnell  had  his  shot 
at  it)  and  her  little  winged  arrows  are  often  bitingly 
pointed  with  philosophy,  satire,  wit  and  sometimes 
just  a  touch  of  good  old  home-brew  American 
hokum. 

For  this  wise  woman  with  the  high-spirited  bow 
behind  her  arrow,  these  little  pages  speak  elo- 
quently. 

FANNIE  HURST. 


OVERTURE 

Would  you  your  sweetheart's   secret    seek  to 
spell? 

There  are  so  many  little  ways  to  tell! 
A  hair,  perhaps,  shall  prove  him  false  or  true— 

A  single  hair  upon  his  coat  lapel! 


HE  sweetest  part  of  a  kiss  is  the  moment  just 
before  taking. 


Love  is  misery — sweetened  with  imagination, 
salted  with  tears,  spiced  with  doubt,  flavored  with 
novelty,  and  swallowed  with  your  eyes  shut. 

Marriage  is  the  miracle  that  transforms  a  kiss  from 
a  pleasure  into  a  duty,  and  a  lie  from  a  luxury  into  a 
necessity. 

A  husband  is  what  is  left  of  a  lover,  after  the  nerve 
has  been  extracted. 

A  man's  heart  is  like  a  barber  shop  in  which  the 
cry  is  always,  "NEXT !" 

The  discovery  of  rice-powder  on  his  coat-lapel 
makes  a  college-boy  swagger,  a  bachelor  blush,  and 
a  married  man  tremble. 

It  takes  one  woman  twenty  years  to  make  a  man 
of  her  son — and  another  woman  twenty  minutes  to 
make  a  fool  of  him. 

19 


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PRELUDE 

By  the  time  a  man  has  discovered  that  he  is  in  love 
with  a  woman,  she  is  usually  so  fagged  out  waiting 
for  the  phenomenon,  that  she  is  ready  to  topple 
right  over  into  his  arms  from  sheer  exhaustion. 

A  man  always  asks  for  "just  one  kiss" — because  he 
knows  that,  if  he  can  get  that,  the  rest  will  come 
without  asking. 

Somehow,  the  moment  a  man  has  surrendered  the 
key  of  his  heart  to  a  woman,  he  begins  to  think 
about  changing  the  lock. 

There  are  only  two  ages,  at  which  a  man  faces  the 
altar  without  a  shudder ;  at  twenty  when  he  doesn't 
know  what's  happening  to  him — and  at  eighty  when 
he  doesn't  care. 


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HPHERE'S  so  much  saint  in  the  worst  of  them, 

A         And  so  much  devil  in  the  best  of  them, 

That  a  woman  who's  married  to  one  of  them, 

Has  nothing  to  learn  of  the  rest  of  them. 


W 


SOMEHOW,  JUST  AT 
THE  PSYCHOLOGICAL 
MOMENT  WHEN  A 
BACHELOR  FANCIES 
THAT  HE  IS  GOING  TO 
DIE  FOR  LOVE  OF  A 
WOMAN,  ANOTHER 
WOMAN  ALWAYS  COMES 
ALONG  AND  INTER- 


IM?  RUPTS  HIM 


HI 


.  .  .and  interrupts  him. 


THE  modern  bachelor  is  like  a  blotting  pad ;  he 
can  soak  up  all  the  sentiment  and  flattery  a 
woman  has  to  offer  him,  without  ever  spilling 
a  drop. 

A  confirmed  bachelor  is  so  sure  of  his  ability  to 
dodge,  that  he  is  willing  to  amuse  every  pretty  girl 
he  meets,  by  handing  her  a  rope  and  daring  her  to 
catch  him. 

A  bachelor  is  a  large  body  of  egotism,  completely 
surrounded  by  caution  and  fortified  at  all  points 
by  suspicion.  His  chief  products  are  wild  oats  and 
cynicism ;  his  chief  industry  is  dodging  matrimony ; 
his  undeviating  policy  "Protection !"  and  his  watch- 
word, "Give  me  liberty  or  give  me  death!" 

The  average  bachelor  is  so  afraid  of  falling  into 
matrimony,  nowadays,  that  he  sprinkles  the  path 
of  love  with  ashes  instead  of  with  roses. 

The  care  with  which  a  bachelor  chaperones  himself 
would  inspire  even  the  duenna  of  a  fashionable 
boarding  school  with  envy. 


A  bachelor's  idea  of  "safety  first"  consists  in  getting 
tangled  up  with  a  lot  of  women  in  order  to  avoid 
getting  tied  up  to  one. 


He  is  an  altruist  who  refrains  from  devoting  him- 
self to  one  woman  in  order  that  he  may  scatter 
sweetness  and  light  amongst  the  multitude. 

There  is  nothing  quite  so  intriguing  to  a  bachelor 
as  flirting  with  the  "idea  of  marriage" — with  his 
fingers  crossed.  He  just  loves  to  "consider  marry- 
ing" in  the  abstract  and  to  go  about  pitying  himself 
for  being  so  "lonely." 

There  are  three  kinds  of  bachelors:  the  kind  that 
must  be  driven  into  matrimony  with  a  whip;  the 
kind  that  must  be  coaxed  with  sugar;  and  the  kind 
that  must  be  blindfolded  and  backed  into  the  shafts. 


If  you  want  to  be  chosen  to  brighten  a  bachelor's 
life,  first  make  it  dark  and  dreary ;  so  long  as  women 
are  willing  to  make  his  existence  one  long  sweet 
song,  naturally  he  isn't  anxious  to  exchange  it  for 
a  lullaby 


When  a  man  actually  asks  a  girl  to  marry  him  in 
these  days  of  bachelor  comforts  and  the  deification 
of  single-blessedness,  she  has  a  revelation  of  human 
unselfishness  that  stands  as  the  eighth  wonder  of 
the  world. 

That  tired  expression  on  a  bachelor's  face  is  not 
so  often  the  result  of  brain-fag  from  an  overworked 
mind  as  of  heart-fag  from  overworking  the  emo- 
tions. 

Lovers  look  at  life  through  rose-colored  curtains; 
old  bachelors  see  it  through  a  fog. 

Somehow,  a  bachelor  never  quite  gets  over  the  idea 
that  he  is  a  thing  of  beauty  and  a  boy  forever ! 

A  bachelor  fancies  that  it  is  his  wonderful  sixty- 
horse  will-power  that  keeps  him  from  marrying, 
whereas  it  is  nothing  but  his  little  one-horse  worit- 
power. 

One  consolation  in  marrying  a  bachelor  over  forty  r- 
is  that  he  has  fought  so  long  and  so  hard  to  escape 
the  hook  that  there  is  no  more  fight  left  in  him. 

Z X 


Never  give  up  hope  as  long  as  a  bachelor  declares 
definitely,  "No  woman  can  get  me!"  Wait  until 
he  is  so  sure  of  his  immunity  that  he  sighs  regret- 
fully, "No  woman  will  have  me!" 

The  "vicious  circle"  in  a  bachelor's  opinion,  is  the 
platinum  one  on  a  woman's  third  finger. 

A  Bachelor  of  Arts  is  one  who  makes  love  to  a  lot 
of  women,  and  yet  has  the  art  to  remain  a  bachelor. 


FIRST   INTERLUDE 


rthe  spring  a  young  man's  fancy  lightly  turns — 
ind  turns — and  turns! 

There  are  lots  of  "sure  cures"  for  love,  but  the 
quickest  and  surest  is — another  love. 

If  there  were  only  two  women  and  one  man  in  the 
world,  the  man  would  marry  the  brunette  and  then 
spend  the  rest  of  his  life  peeping  over  her  shoulder 
and  trying  to  flirt  with  the  blonde. 

A  woman  always  embalms  the  corpse  of  a  dead 
love;  a  man  wisely  cremates  it,  and  plants  a  new 
love  in  the  ashes. 

A  fool  and  her  money  are  soon  courted. 

A  woman's  pity  for  a  man  who  loves  her  against 
her  will  may  be  akin  to  love;  but  a  man's  pity 
for  a  woman  who  loves  him  without  his  permission 
is  a  twin  brother  to  boredom. 

Marriage  is  the  miracle  which  affords  a  woman  a 
chance  to  gratify  her  vanity,  pacify  her  family,  mor- 


ciictnce  tu  gratiiy  ncr  vanny,  petuuy  ncr  ictuiiiy,  IHUI- 

tify  her  rivals,  and  electrify  her  friends,  all  at  the  " 
same  time.    Marriage  is  sweet! 

) v 


FIRST    INTERLUDE 


Love  is  what  incites  the  caveman  to  drag  a  woman 
around  by  the  hair  and  makes  the  civilized  man 
permit  a  woman  to  drag  him  around  by  the  nose. 

The  heart  of  a  woman  is  a  secret  sanctuary  where 
she  is  constantly  burning  incense  and  candles  before 
a  succession  of  idols  of  clay. 

Nowadays,  a  man's  faith  in  women  and  heaven 
seems  to  disappear  with  his  milk-teeth  and  to  re- 
appear again  with  his  false  teeth. 

To  most  men  "repentance"  is  merely  the  interval 
between  the  headache  and  the  next  temptation. 

Most  bachelors  regard  the  "flower  of  love"  as  a 
species  of  poison  ivy. 

Even  Satan  could  find  a  woman  to  call  him 
"Dearie,"  if  he  would  simply  tell  her  that  all  he 
needed  was  "a  beautiful  woman's  uplifting  influ- 
ence." 

A  man  may  be  guilty  of  stealing  a  girl's  heart,  but 
he  always  feels  hurt  and  indignant  if  she  refuses  to 
take  it  back  again  after  he  has  finished  with  it. 


FIRST    INTERLUDE 


Woman's  love — a  mirror  in  which  a  man  beholds 
himself  glorified,  magnified  and  deified. 

Always  try  to  be  the  "guiding  star"  of  a  man's  life, 
but  never  make  the  mistake  of  fancying  that  you 
are  his  whole  planetary  system. 

A  woman  must  keep  her  conscience,  her  complexion 
and  her  reputation  snow-white.  But  a  man  is  sat- 
isfied if  he  can  just  manage  to  keep  his  so  that  they 
comply  with  the  pure  food  laws. 

Art  is  inspiring,  but  you  can't  run  your  fingers 
through  its  hair ;  a  career  is  absorbing,  but  you  can't 
tie  ribbons  on  the  curls  of  your  brain-children; 
work  is  ennobling,  but,  alas,  it  hasn't  got  a  shoulder 
to  cry  on! 

When  a  girl  refuses  to  kiss  a  man  he  is  never  dis- 
concerted; he  is  merely  astonished  that  she  could 
be  so  blind  to  her  own  feelings. 

A  summer  resort  is  a  place  where  a  girl  spends  half 
her  time  in  making  herself  alluring — and  the  other 
half  in  yearning  for  something  to  "lure.** 


FIRST   INTERLUDE 

When  a  girl  marries  a  man  she  is  sadly  aware  that 
all  his  old  sweethearts  are  wondering  how  she  did 
it,  and  that  all  her  old  sweethearts  are  wondering 
why. 

Marriage  will  never  be  safe  until  we  stop  making  it 
an  "ideal"  and  begin  trying  to  make  it  a  square  deal. 

Just  before  marriage  a  man's  coat  lapel  acquires 
that  grayish  look  which  comes  from  the  constant 
contact  with  face  powder,  but  it's  wonderful  how 
soon  it  brightens  up  and  gets  back  its  natural  color 
after  the  wedding. 

Love  is  like  appendicitis ;  you  never  know  when  nor 
how  it  is  going  to  strike  you — the  only  difference 
being  that,  after  one  attack  of  appendicitis,  your 
curiosity  is  perfectly  satisfied. 

No  matter  how  many  men  have  tried  to  flirt  with 
her,  a  girl  will  step  cheerfully  up  to  the  altar  in 
the  firm  belief  that  she  has  found  the  one  perfect 
human  being  in  trousers  who  will  never  look  at 
another  woman. 


After  marriage,  a  woman's  sight  becomes  so  keen 
that  she  can  see  right  through  her  husband  without 
looking  at  him,  and  a  man's  so  dull  that  he  can  look 
right  through  his  wife  without  seeing  her. 

A  man  recuperates  so  much  more  quickly  from  his 
remorse  than  a  woman  does  from  her  indignation 
that  by  the  time  she  has  forgiven  him  he  is  tired  of 
being  good  and  ready  to  sin  again. 

Before  marriage,  a  man  will  go  home  and  lie  awake 
all  night  thinking  about  something  you  said;  after 
marriage,  he'll  go  to  sleep  before  you  finish  say- 
ing it. 

A  man  can  never  understand  how  a  woman  gets  so 
much  joy  out  of  leading  him  all  the  way  to  the 
threshold  of  love  and  then  sweetly  closing  the  door 
in  his  face. 

Solitaire — the  married  woman's  game. 

A  man's  greatest  conquest  is  self-conquest;  his 
greatest  possession,  self-possession ;  and  his  greatest 
love — Oh,  well,  you  fill  in  the  rest. 


FIRST    INTERLUDE 


Why  does  a  man  take  it  for  granted  that  a  girl  who 
flirts  with  him  wants  him  to  kiss  her — when,  nine 
times  out  of  ten,  she  only  wants  him  to  want  to 
kiss  her? 

Plunging  into  a  hasty  marriage  in  order  to  escape 
from  a  foolish  entanglement  is  like  rushing  under 
a  trolley  car  in  order  to  escape  from  a  taxicab. 

Nowadays  a  girl's  favorite  way  of  committing  sui- 
cide for  love  of  a  man,  is  to  marry  him  and  worry 
herself  to  death  over  him. 

A  good  wife  is  always  her  husband's  "guide," 
philosopher  and  friend";  also  his  guardian,  diges- 
tion, conscience,  time-table  and  valet. 

A  man  never  knows  how  to  say  goodby;  a  woman 
never  knows  when  to  say  it. 

A  woman's  greatest  "right"  is  the  right  husband. 

A  woman  might  forgive  a  man  for  all  his  sins;  it's 
that  stained-glass  attitude  with  which  he  decides  to 
"give  them  up"  when  he  is  tired  of  them  that  exas- 
perates her  so. 


BOB 


A  MAN  DOESN'T  WANT 
A  WIFE  WHO  PLACES 
HIM  ON  A  PEDESTAL 
OR  KEEPS  HIM  ON  A 
FOOTSTOOL,  BUT  ONE 
WHO  WILL  TAKE  HIM 
AS  A  MERE  MAN— AND 
LET  HIM  GO  ON  BEING 
"MERE" 


Places   him   on  a   pedestal.  .  . 


TRUE  LOVE— HOW  TO  KNOW  IT 


TRUE  LOVE  is  nothing  but  friendship,  highly 
intensified,   flavored   with   sentiment,   spiced 
with  passion,  and  sprinkled  with  the  Stardust 
of  romance. 

True  Love  can  be  no  deeper  than  your  capacity  for 
friendship,  no  higher  than  your  ideals,  and  no 
broader  than  the  scope  of  your  vision. 

True  Love,  in  the  cave  man,  is  expressed  by  a  desire 
rto  beat  a  woman,  and  to  pull  her  around  by  the  hair. 

True  Love,  in  the  Broadwayite,  is  expressed  by  an 
insatiable  craving  to  buy  things  for  a  woman. 

True  Love,  in  a  husband,  is  expressed  by  his  will- 
ingness to  give  his  wife  anything,  from  the  tender- 
est  piece  of  steak  to  a  divorce,  if  it  will  make  her 
happy. 

True  Love,  in  any  man,  is  the  essence  of  unselfish- 
ness; and  the  most  selfish  thing  in  the  world.  It 
is  the  selfishness  that  transcends  selfishness;  the 
vanity  that  puts  egotism  in  the  shade. 


TRUE  LOVE—  HOW  TO  KNOW  IT 

True  Love,  in  a  bachelor,  is  exemplified  by  his 
willingness  to  marry  a  woman  —  against  all  his  in- 
stincts, his  sense  of  self-preservation,  and  his  better 
judgment. 

True  Love,  in  a  born  flirt,  is  evidenced  by  his  in- 
ability to  think  of  any  other  woman,  while  he  is 
kissing  a  particular  one. 

True  Love,  in  an  author,  is  demonstrated  by  his 
self-restraint,  in  refusing  to  make  "copy"  out  of  a 
love  affair. 

True  Love,  in  a  college  boy,  is  expressed  by  his 
ability  to  think  of  somebody  besides  himself  for  a 
whole  hour  at  a  time. 

It  is  the  flash  of  light,  by  which  one  sees  clearly 
that  to  do  for  another,  give  to  another,  and  sacrifice 
for  another,  will  get  one  the  most  happiness  out  of 
life. 

True  Love,  in  the  poet,  is  expressed  in  soul  kisses, 
and  by  his  inability  to  do  any  work  for  days  at  a 
time. 


36 


TRUE  LOVE— HOW  TO  KNOW  IT 


We  speak  of  "falling  in  love,"  as  though  it  were  a 
pit  or  an  abyss;  but  True  Love  is  the  light  on  the 
mountain-top,  to  which  we  must  eternally  climb. 

True  Love  is  a  relic  of  the  Victorian  Age. 

It  still  exists,  here  and  there,  like  the  buffalo;  but 
in  the  face  of  eugenics,  feminism,  and  the  growing 
masculine  determination  not  to  marry,  it  may  some 
day  have  to  take  a  place  beside  the  Dinosaurus  in 
the  Public  Museum. 


FLIRTATION  is  a  duel  in  which  the  com- 
batants cross  lies,  sighs  and  eyes — and  the 
coolest  heart  wins. 

Falling  in  love  consists  merely  in  uncorking  the 
imagination  and  bottling  the  common-sense. 

In  the  medley  of  love  a  man's  soul  sings  a  sonata, 
while  his  heart  plays  a  waltz  and  his  pulse  beats  to 
rag-time. 

Better  be  a  strong  man's  "rib"  than  a  weak  man's 
"backbone." 

True  love  isn't  the  kind  that  endures  through  long 
years  of  absence,  but  the  kind  that  endures  through 
long  years  of  propinquity. 

A  man  seldom  thinks  of  marrying  when  he  meets 
his  ideal  woman;  he  waits  until  he  gets  the  marry- 
ing fever  and  then  idealizes  the  first  woman  he 
happens  to  meet. 

Love  is  what  tempts  a  man  to  tell  foolish  lies  to  a 
woman  and  a  woman  to  tell  the  fool  truth  to  a  man. 


38 


n 


It  took  seven  hundred  guesses  for  Solomon  to  find 
out  what  kind  of  a  wife  he  wanted;  and  even  then 
he  seems  to  have  had  his  doubts. 

The  only  thing  more  astonishing  than  the  length 
of  time  a  man's  love  will  subsist  on  nothing  is  the 
celerity  with  which  it  is  surfeited  the  moment  it 
has  any  encouragement  to  feed  on. 

Even  when  a  man  knows  that  he  wants  to  marry 
a  woman,  she  has  to  prove  it  to  him  with  a  diagram 
before  he  is  really  convinced  of  it. 

A  man  is  so  apt  to  mistake  his  love  of  experiment 
for  love  of  a  woman  that  half  the  time  he  doesn't 
know  which  is  which. 

Why  is  it  that  a  man  never  thinks  he  has  tasted 
the  cup  of  joy  unless  he  has  splashed  it  all  over  him- 
self, as  though  it  were  his  morning  bath? 

A  man  is  so  versatile  that  he  can  read  his  news- 
paper with  one  set  of  brain-cells  while  he  carries 
on  a  conversation  with  his  wife  with  another  set. 


VARIATIONS 

A  girl  hides  her  emotions  under  a  veil  of  modesty, 
a  spinster  under  a  cloak  of  cynicism,  a  wife  under 
a  mantle  of  tact,  and  a  widow  under  a  cloud  of 
mystery — and  then  women  wonder  why  they  are 
"misunderstood." 

Proposing  is  a  sort  of  acrobatic  feat,  in  which  a  man 
must  hang  on  to  his  nerve  with  one  hand  and  to  the 
girl  with  the  other.  If  he  lets  go  of  either,  he  is 
lost. 

In  love,  as  in  poker,  men  play  just  to  play — and 
then  proceed  to  throw  away  what  has  been  easily 
won,  without  any  thought  of  its  value.  Thus 
gamblers  so  often  die  in  poverty  and  Lotharios  in 
loneliness. 

Nowadays,  a  truly  chivalrous  girl  will  "lie  like  a 
lady"  in  order  to  protect  a  trusting  man's  vanity. 

The  woman  who  fascinates  a  man  is  not  the  one 
who  looks  up  to  him  as  the  sun  of  her  existence, 
but  the  one  who  merely  looks  down  on  him  as  one 
of  the  footlights. 


VARIATIONS 

Don't  doubt  a  man  when  he  says,  "I  never  loved 
like  this  before."  Each  time  a  man  falls  in  love 
with  so  much  more  ease  and  facility  that  he  doesn't 
recognize  it  as  the  same  old  emotion  at  all. 

The  first  time  a  man  lies  to  his  wife  he  is  surprised 
to  discover  how  easy  it  is  to  do  it.  After  that  he 
is  surprised  to  find  out  how  hard  it  is  not  to  do  it. 

A  man  always  speaks  of  having  "given"  his  heart 
to  a  woman  as  though  he  had  done  something  gen- 
erous and  noble ;  whereas,  nine  times  out  of  ten,  she 
probably  had  to  wrench  it  from  him. 

About  the  only  things  in  connection  with  his  wife 
for  which  a  man  shows  any  respect  after  a  few 
years  of  marriage  are  her  reputation  and  her  tooth- 
brush. 


NEXT  to  a  mouse  or  a  rich  widow,  there  is 
nothing  on  earth  that  a  normal  girl  dreads  so 
much  as  a  blonde. 

No  matter  how  many  brunettes  a  man  may  have 
married  from  time  to  time  you  can  always  be  per- 
fectly sure  that  there  has  been  a  blonde  in  his  life. 
A  woman  with  dark  hair  and  eyes  may  make  men 
admire  her,  but  in  order  to  make  one  of  them 
propose  she  must  blondine  her  temperament  down 
to  the  roots. 

The  dusky  Cleopatra  may  have  succeeded  in  mak- 
ing fools  of  a  few  men,  but  it  took  a  dizzy  little 
blonde  like  Helen  of  Troy  to  make  a  lot  of  men 
make  fools  of  themselves. 

In  order  to  be  popular  with  men,  in  these  days,  a 
brunette  must  be  either  brilliant,  interesting,  rich 
or  beautiful;  but  a  blonde  doesn't  have  to  be  any- 
thing but  a  blonde. 

You  may  fight  a  brunette,  dearie,  as  woman  to 
woman,  but  when  you  fight  a  blonde  you  fight  a 
cherished  masculine  tradition. 


BLONDES 

Why  is  it  that  in  all  the  novels  and  motion  picture 
plays  the  vampires  and  adventuresses  have  dark 
hair  and  black  eyes,  while  the  innocent,  persecuted 
angels  are  all  blondes — whereas  in  real  life  it  is 
always  the  other  way  'round. 

Generally  speaking,  there  are  two  kinds  of  blondes : 
blondes  by  birth  and  blondes  by  preference.  These 
are  subdivided  into  golden  blondes,  diamond 
blondes,  strawberry  blondes — and  undecided 
blondes;  that  is,  those  who  have  not  yet  decided 
on  their  favorite  shade. 

Sometimes  illness  turns  a  woman's  hair  gray,  and 
sometimes  it  merely  turns  it  dark  at  the  roots.  A 
little  peroxide  is  a  treacherous  thing! 

All  this  talk  about  the  "yellow  peril"  is  nonsense. 
There  is  no  more  danger  in  permitting  your  hus- 
band to  employ  a  pretty  blonde  stenographer  than 
there  is  in  throwing  a  lighted  match  into  the  waste- 
basket. 

When  love  flies  out  of  the  window  the  tame  cat  and 
the  sympathetic  blonde  tip-toe  in  by  opposite  doors. 


CYMBALS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS 


THIS  is  the  great  masculine  question :  Whether 
it  is  better  to  marry  and  live  in  the  constant 
fear  of  one  woman's  frown  or  to  stay  single 
and  live  in  deadly  fear  of  every  woman's  smile. 

"Conscience  doth  make  cowards  of  us  all" — but  not 
until  we've  emptied  the  bottle,  tired  of  the  flirtation 
and  gotten  our  money's  worth  out  of  the  game. 

Marriage — A  souvenir  of  love. 

Wanted:  A  wife  who  can  broil  a  steak  with  one 
hand,  powder  her  nose  with  the  other,  rock  the 
cradle  with  her  foot  and  accompany  herself  on  the 
harp.  (Signed)  EVERYMAN. 

When  the  girls  admire  him  a  young  man  takes  it 
as  a  matter  of  course;  but  when  a  widow  selects 
him  for  her  attention  he  thrills  with  the  knowledge 
that  he  is  being  stamped  with  the  approval  of  a 
connoisseur. 

Before  marriage,  a  man  declares  that  he  would  lay 
down  his  life  to  serve  you ;  after  marriage,  he  won't 
even  lay  down  his  newspaper  to  talk  to  you. 


CYMBALS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS 

If  Achilles'  only  vulnerable  spot  was  in  his  heel, 
then  his  vanity  must  have  gone  to  his  feet,  instead 
of  to  his  head. 

You  can't  expect  a  woman  to  accomplish  much  in 
this  life,  since  she  is  busy  every  minute  of  it  either 
trying  to  get  some  man,  trying  to  get  along  with 
one,  or  trying  to  get  rid  of  one. 

A  man's  wife  is  something  like  his  teeth :  He  never 
thinks  of  her  unless  she  happens  to  bother  him. 

Life  is  a  tale  that  is  "told":  the  monk  tells  his 
beads,  the  seer  tells  fortunes,  the  lover  tells  lies — 
and  a  woman  tells  everything. 

To  collect  books  is  a  sign  of  culture,  to  collect  jewels 
a  sign  of  wealth,  but  to  collect  husbands  is  a  sign 
of  paresis. 

A  modern  bachelor  makes  love  with  his  hand  on  his 
pulse  and  his  eye  on  the  clock. 

Oh  yes,  there  is  a  vast  difference  between  the  savage 
and  the  civilized  man,  but  it  is  never  apparent  to 
their  wives  until  after  breakfast. 


A  sympathetic  woman  is  like  a  rose  which  a  man 
wears  over  his  heart ;  a  stupid  woman  is  like  a  cab- 
bage which  he  keeps  in  his  kitchen;  but  a  merely 
"clever"  woman  is  like  a  dahlia — he  knows  he  ought 
to  admire  her,  but  he  had  just  as  lief  do  so  from  a 
distance. 

While  a  woman  is  weeping  over  the  ghost  of  a  dead 
love  in  the  graveyard  of  memory,  a  man  is  usually 
off  pursuing  a  lot  of  little  new  loves  in  the  garden 
of  forgetfulness. 

Life  is  like  a  poem  or  a  story;  the  most  important 
thing  about  it  is  not  that  it  should  be  long,  but  that 
it  should  be  beautiful  and  interesting. 
The  older  a  woman  gets  the  more  trusting  she  be- 
comes; at  twenty  a  man  can  feed  her  only  diluted 
flattery;  but  at  forty  she  can  swallow  it,  straight, 
without  a  quiver. 

No  girl  who  is  going  to  marry  need  bother  to  win 
a  college  degree ;  she  just  naturally  becomes  a  "Mas- 
ter of  Arts"  and  a  "Doctor  of  Philosophy"  after 
catering  to  an  ordinary  man  for  a  few  years. 


CYMBALS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS 


The  average  man  takes  all  the  natural  taste  out  of 
his  food  by  covering  it  with  ready-made  sauces,  and 
all  the  personality  out  of  a  woman  by  covering 
her  with  his  ready-made  ideals. 

Heaven  is  not  a  mythical  place.  It  can  be  found 
right  down  in  the  heart  of  the  man  who  has  found 
the  work  he  loves  and  the  woman  he  loves. 

An  ideal  lover  is  one  with  such  a  keen  dramatic 
instinct  that  he  can  convince  himself  of  his  sin- 
cerity— even  when  he  knows  that  he  is  lying. 

Love  is  a  matter  of  chance ;  matrimony  a  matter  of 
money,  and  divorce — a  matter  of  course. 

Adam  was  the  first  man  to  "misunderstand"  a 
woman. 

A  man  is  like  a  park  squirrel;  if  you  fling  your 
favors  or  your  charms  at  his  head  he  will  never 
come  up  and  eat  out  of  your  hand. 

What  a  man  calls  his  "conscience"  is  merely  the 
mental  action  that  follows  a  sentimental  reaction 
after  too  much  wine  or  love. 


CYMBALS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS 


Q 


In  the  School  of  Love,  a  man  is  forever  just  taking 
up  a  brand  new  "study"  and  discovering  that  all  the 
old  loves  were  nothing  but  "preparatory  practice." 

The  eugenic  idea  of  choosing  a  husband  would  be 
perfectly  lovely,  only  that  a  husband  isn't  a  matter 
of  choice,  but  of  chance,  accident  or  blind  luck. 

Love  is  woman's  eternal  spring,  man's  eternal  fall. 

It  isn't  beauty,  and  it  isn't  cleverness,  and  it  isn't 
clothes  that  make  a  particular  woman  fascinating. 
It  is  just  a  sort  of  magnetic  current  which  seems  to 
run  around  her  and  set  her  eyes  a-twinkling — and 
a  man's  heart  tingling. 

It  is  utterly  useless  to  tell  a  man  the  honest  truth. 
That  is  the  last  thing  on  earth  which  a  man  ever 
tells  a  woman — so  of  course  it's  the  last  thing  on 
earth  which  he  ever  expects  to  hear  from  her. 

The  average  man,  like  "all  Gaul,"  is  divided  into 
three  parts:  his  vanity,  his  digestion  and  his  ambi- 
tion. Cater  to  the  first,  guard  the  second  and  stim- 
ulate the  third — and  his  love  will  take  care  of  itself. 


CYMBALS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS 


n 


There  is  no  such  tonic  for  a  man's  nerve  as  a 
capricious  wife  and  no  such  softener  for  his  back- 
bone as  a  self-sacrificing  one. 

A  man  can  sit  in  the  moonlight  and  talk  "New 
Thought"  to  a  pretty  girl  and  at  the  same  time  look 
right  into  her  eyes  with  all  the  old,  old  ones. 

Bohemia  is  an  oasis  in  the  desert  of  life  where  only 
the  rich-in-dreams  may  go  and  only  the  poor-in- 
purse  may  stay. 

There  is  no  way  of  two  people  really  knowing  each 
other  until  after  they  are  married  and  have  to  share 
the  same  dollar,  the  same  table,  the  same  newspaper 
and  the  same  chiffonier. 


WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 


HERE  are  gardens  full  of  flowers  that  I  feared 
g  to  pluck. 

There  are  eyes  full  of  promises  that  I  dared 

not  believe. 
There  are  lips  full  of  sweetness,  from  which  I  turned 

away. 
I  wonder  if  Paradise  holds  anything  for  me,  one-half 

so  beautiful 
As  the  joys  I  have  renounced  for  its  sake! 

A  man's  life  is  like  a  musical  comedy;  there  is 
always  one  woman  in  it  who  is  the  star — but  it 
takes  ninety-nine  others  to  make  up  the  "ensemble." 

Nothing  so  annoys  a  man  as  to  have  a  woman 
"cheer  him  up,"  when  he  is  enjoying  the  exquisite 
luxury  of  feeling  sorry  for  himself. 

The  modern  girl's  "perfect  candor"  has  taken  the 
sin  out  of  sincerity — and  most  of  the  sweet  scent 
out  of  the  flower  of  sentiment.  Without  the  Ser- 
pent, the  Garden  of  Eden  would  seem  a  dull  old 
place  to  most  men. 


WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 

Love  is  neither  a  bonfire,  nor  a  kitchen-fire;  but  an 
altar-fire,  to  be  kept  burning  forever  with  prayer 
and  reverence. 

In  the  language  of  love,  "Forever !"  means  for  quite 
a  little  while  and  "Never!"  means  not  until  next 
season. 

"A  fool  there  was,  and  he  made  his  prayer" — to  two 
women  on  the  same  party  wire. 

Love  is  a  matter  of  give  and  take — marriage,  a  mat- 
ter of  misgive  and  mistake. 

Even  a  fool  knows  enough  to  laugh  at  a  man's 
joke — but  only  a  born  Siren  knows  enough  to  hang 
onto  his  coat-lapel  and  beg  him  to  "Tell  it  again!" 

Some  men  are  born  for  matrimony,  some  achieve 
matrimony — but  most  of  them  are  merely  poor 
dodgers. 

There  are  many  times  when  a  woman  would  gladly 
drop  her  husband,  if  she  did  not  feel  morally  certain 
that  some  other  woman  would  come  right  along 
and  pick  him  up. 

Si 


WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 

Alas!  In  choosing  a  husband,  it  seems  that  you've 
always  got  to  decide  between  something  tame  and 
uninteresting,  like  a  gold-fish,  and  something  wild 
and  fascinating,  like  a  mountain  goat. 
Perhaps  the  first  time  a  young  man  actually  realizes 
that  he  is  married  is  when  he  catches  himself  look- 
ing at  other  women  with  that  strange,  new,  wistful 
sort  of  interest. 

It  is  at  once  the  mission  and  the  punishment  of  the 
flirt  to  go  through  life  tapping  the  hearts  of  men, 
that  they  may  overflow — for  other  women. 
The  sweetest  things  in  a  woman's  life  are  her  "yes- 
terdays"— the  sweetest  things  in  a  man's  life  are 
his  "tomorrows." 

The  man  who  is  fondly  looking  for  a  perfect  angel 
almost  invariably  ends  by  marrying  some  little  devil 
who  knows  how  to  persuade  him  that  her  horns  are 
merely  the  signs  of  a  budding  halo. 

Woman  is  to  most  men  what  "heart-failure"  is  to 
the  doctors — something  that  it  is  always  convenient 
to  blame  any  old  thing  on. 


WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 


"The  mind  has  a  thousand  eyes — the  heart  but 
one !" — and  that  usually  goes  fast  asleep,  after  mar- 
riage. 

Philosophy  is  the  only  kind  of  "sweetening"  with 
which  to  make  life  palatable. 

Estimated  from  a  wife's  experience,  the  average 
man  spends  fully  one-quarter  of  his  life  in  looking 
for  his  shoes. 

An  "idealist"  is  a  man  who  is  content  to  worship 
a  woman  from  afar — and  let  some  gross,  unselfish 
materialist  marry  her  and  support  her. 
Changing    husbands    is    about    as    satisfactory    as 
changing  a  bundle  from  one  hand  to  the  other;  it 
gives  you  only  temporary  relief. 
France  may  claim  the  happiest  marriages  in  the 
world,  but  the  happiest  divorces  in  the  world  are 
"made  in  America." 

No  doubt,  even  Solomon  told  each  of  his  700  wives 
that  he  had  merely  thought  he  loved  the  others, 
but  that  she  was  the  only  girl  he  "ever  really  cared 
for"  in  just  that  way. 


EEE^                                                     H  

iflMaiMgaM 

in 

/r^"        ^^r*  j 
HfflHHfiHHHH 

^u3r 
sifSi 

^ 

?^s>™» 

T^C*    ^Bhfcf 
AflA&AftAAh 

WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 


Love  is  what  makes  a  man  appear  blissfully  happy, 
when  a  woman  is  mussing  up  the  precious  wisp  of 
hair  across  his  bald  spot. 

Love  is  what  makes  a  woman  laugh  delightedly 
when  a  man  is  telling  her  for  the  second  time,  a 
story  which  she  knew  by  heart  before  he  told  it  to 
her  the  first  time. 

All  this  "sex-antagonism"  must  have  started  when 

Adam  brought  in  the  first  rabbit  and  ordered  Eve 

to  make  it  into  Chicken-a-la-King. 

When  a  man  takes  a  notion  to  marry,  he  doesn't 

start    following    it    up— he    merely    stops    running 

away. 

A  woman  is  young  until  the  light  dies  out  of  her 
last  lover's  eyes. 

Whenever  a  pretty  girl  runs  her  fingers  through 
his  hair,  a  cautious  bachelor  can't  help  thinking  of 
what  happened  to  Samson. 

Success  in  flirtation,  as  in  gambling,  consists  in 
"getting  out  of  the  game"  at  the  psychological  mo- 
ment before  your  luck  begins  to  turn. 
54 


i  mmscn 

•  JKT3BC7B   •  •   ••  II  WTH""BrTnB""Wn~ 

m 

•i  JM  i. 

:!^M 

x*-v£r*  T 
BfiBBSS 

vVHnil|plHflBB  if  0 

^rTBnrtTdTr'MTBTBTrTrTi 

WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 

Being  a  husband's  "economic  equal"  may  be  awfully 

noble  and  advanced ;  but  it  usually  means  being  all 

of  his  ribs  and  most  of  his  vertebrae. 

Men  have  been  classified  as  "what  women  marry." 

They  have  two  feet,  two  hands  and  sometimes  two 

wives — but  never  more  than  one  collar-button  or 

one  idea  at  a  time. 

When  a  man  says,  "Nobody  understands  me,"  don't 

fancy  he  is  suffering.     He  is  merely  trying  to  let 

you  know,  in  a  modest  way,  that  he  is  a  profound, 

fascinating  mystery. 

A  man  snatches  the  first  kiss,  pleads  for  the  second, 

demands  the  third,  takes  the  fourth,  accepts  the 

fifth — and  endures  all  the  rest  of  them. 

After  two  years,  an  engagement  doesn't  need  to  be 

broken;  it  just  naturally  sags  in  the  middle  and 

comes  apart. 

Eve  had  as  much  choice  in  the  matter  of  a  husband 

as  any  other  woman.     She  merely  accepted  what 

fate  sent  her,  and  pretended  to  have  gotten  her 

"ideal." 


WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 

It  is  not  much  comfort  to  be  able  to  keep  your  hus- 
band's material  body  in  the  house  evenings,  when 
his  astral  body  keeps  wandering  off  to  the  club, 
every  few  minutes. 

In  love,  sweet  are  the  uses  of  diversity! 

A  woman's  love  "bursts  into  flower,"  but  judging 
from  the  time  it  takes  him  to  discover  it,  a  man's 
love  must  be  developed  by  the  wearisome  process  of 
geological  formation. 

If  a  man  and  a  diamond  are  big  and  brilliant 
enough,  one  doesn't  mind  a  few  flaws  in  them ;  but, 
for  some  reason,  Heaven  knows  why,  a  woman  and 
a  pearl  are  expected  to  be  absolutely  perfect. 

When  Fate  places  a  laurel  wreath  on  the  brow  of 
a  genius  she  hitches  a  plough  to  his  shoulders  and 
holds  a  Tantalus  cup  to  his  lips. 

It  isn't  the  man  who  paints  his  virtues  in  three 
colors  and  begs  her  to  marry  him,  but  the  one  who 
paints  his  sins  in  vermilion  and  begs  her  to  "save" 
him  who  usually  wins  the  girl. 

56 


WHAT  EVERY  WOMAN  WONDERS 


If  you  want  a  man  to  propose  don't  try  to  make 
your  family  coddle  him.  Make  them  hate  him, 
because  a  man  never  really  "takes  hold"  until  some- 
body begins  to  pull  the  other  way. 

The  man  who  falls  in  love  at  first  sight  never  knows 
what  has  struck  him,  and  therefore  mercifully  es- 
capes all  the  agonizing  slow-torture  of  feeling  him- 
self sink,  inch  by  inch,  into  the  quicksands  of 
matrimony. 

Never  believe  that  justice  is  all  you  owe  your  hus- 
band ;  what  every  man  needs,  from  the  woman  who 
loves  him,  is  faith,  hope  and  charity — and  above 
all,  mercy. 

Even  a  coquette  can  be  loyal  to  one  man — until  she 
prefers  another;  but  a  man's  heart  is  like  a  ferry- 
boat— always  going  backward  and  forward,  and 
never  staying  "docked." 

Soft,  sweet  things  with  a  lot  of  fancy  dressing —  fj 
that  is  what  a  little  boy  loves  to  eat  and  a  grown 
man  prefers  to  marry. 


SECOND    INTERLUDE 


TO  find  your  mate — that  is  luck;  to  know  him 
when  you  find  him — that  is  inspiration;  to 
win  him  when  you  know  him — that  is  art; 
and  to  keep  him  when  you've  won  him — that  is  a 
miracle. 

A  woman  wastes  more  time  in  dreaming  over  a  past 
flirtation  than  it  would  take  a  man  to  start  a  half 
dozen  new  ones. 

Flattery  affects  a  man  like  any  other  sort  of  "dope." 
It  stimulates  and  exhilarates  him  for  the  moment, 
but  usually  ends  by  going  to  his  head  and  making 
him  act  foolish. 

The  only  way  to  be  happy  in  this  world  is  to  take 
men  and  flirtations  as  they  come — and  let  them  go 
as  they  go. 

Almost  any  straight  path  of  devotion  will  lead  to 
a  woman's  heart.  It's  this  zigzagging  from  senti- 
ment to  cold  fear  and  from  adoration  to  self-preser- 
vation, that  makes  the  way  so  long  and  dangerous 
for  the  average  man. 

58 


; 


SECOND    INTERLUDE 

Solomon  may  have  been  the  most  famous  husband 
who  ever  lived,  but  as  a  hero  he  isn't  in  it  with  the 
man  who  manages  to  get  along  happily  and  con- 
tentedly all  through  life  with  just  one  wife! 

Woman !  The  peg  on  which  the  wit  hangs  his  jest, 
the  preacher  his  text,  the  cynic  his  grouch,  and  the 
sinner  his  justification! 

Everybody  seems  to  be  going  through  life  at  auto- 
mobile speed  nowadays;  but  alas,  there  are  no  sen- 
timental garages  by  Life's  wayside  at  which  we 
may  obtain  a  fresh  supply  of  emotions,  purchase  a 
new  thrill  or  patch  up  an  exploded  ideal. 

A  man's  work  lasts  from  sun  to  sun,  but  his  excuses 
for  staying  late  at  the  office  are  never  done. 

Every  man  wants  a  woman  to  appeal  to  his  better 
side,  his  nobler  instincts  and  his  higher  nature — 
and  another  woman  to  help  him  forget  them. 

Never  rush  into  a  love  affair.  Love  is  a  waiting 
game,  which  requires  nerve,  concentration,  and  a 
poker  face. 


SECOND    INTERLUDE 


LUJli 


The  average  man  marries  one  woman  just  in  order 
to  escape  from  a  lot  of  others — and  then  flirts  with 
a  lot  of  others  just  in  order  to  forget  that  he  is 
married  to  one. 

Once  a  girl's  heart  beat  faster  at  the  sound  of  her 
sweetheart's  footstep  on  the  garden  path;  but  now 
it  requires  the  hum  of  a  twelve-cylinder  motor-car 
to  rouse  her  from  her  lassitude. 

The  one  thing  about  love-making  that  the  modern 
man  simply  can't  understand  is  that,  in  order  to 
make  it  thrilling  and  interesting,  he  must  really  put 
a  little  love  in  it. 

In  the  war  of  the  sexes  a  woman  hides  her  scars 
of  battle  beneath  a  smile  and  a  coat  of  rouge.  A 
man  goes  about  displaying  his  as  proudly  as  though 
they  were  medals. 

Occasionally  one  meets  a  man  who  plunges  into  a 
love  affair  as  he  plunges  into  the  surf,  but  most  of 
them  just  sit  back  lazily  on  the  beach  and  let  the 
waves  of  emotion  splash  harmlessly  over  them. 


THE  GREATEST  SHOCK 
A  TEMPERAMENTAL 
WOMAN  CAN  RECEIVE 
IS  TO  WAKE  UP  AND 
FIND  THAT  SHE  IS 
MARRIED  TO  A  HUMAN 
BEING  INSTEAD  OF  AN 
IDEAL 


62 


55BBHB5 


Married  to  a  human  being.  .  . 


BRIDES 

"NEVERS"  FOR  THE  "RIB." 

EVER  ask  him  to  kiss  you.  Make  your  kisses 
a  privilege,  not  a  duty ;  a  luxury,  not  a  morn- 
ing and  evening,  "chore." 

Never  refuse  to  kiss  him — but  sometimes  keep  him 
waiting  a  little  while.  Love  thrives  so  much  better 
on  the  stimulant  of  suspense  than  on  the  anaes- 
thetic of  memory. 

Never  question  him  about  his  past  love  affairs.  It 
is  not  the  women  he  has  loved,  but  those  he  has 
not  yet  loved,  who  will  bother  you. 

Never  fling  your  old  flames  in  his  face.  If  you  do 
he  will  soon  cease  to  be  jealous  of  the  men  you 
"might  have  married"  and  begin  to  envy  them. 

Never  accuse  him  of  being  less  ardent  than  he  was 
before  he  married  you.  Many  a  husband  would 
never  discover  that  he  was  no  longer  madly  in  love, 
if  his  wife  did  not  keep  constantly  reminding  him 
of  it. 


Never  chide  him  for  the  same  fault  more  than  once. 

A  man  can  become  so  accustomed  to  the  thought 
of  his  own  faults  that  he  will  begin  to  cherish  them 
as  charming  little  "personal  characteristics." 

Never  refer  to  your  own  defects.  A  man  always 
accepts  a  woman  at  her  own  valuation;  and  he 
doesn't  prize  anything  that  advertises  herself  as  a 
"second." 

Never  laugh  at  him.  Woman  is  supposed  to  be  the 
only  human  joke  and  man  the  only  laughing  animal 
— except  the  hyena. 

Never  cry  before  him.  A  woman's  tears  soon  wash 
all  the  color  out  of  a  man's  love;  after  the  third 
deluge  they  have  no  power  to  move  him — except  to 
move  him  out  of  the  house. 

Never  threaten  him,  scold  him  nor  argue  with  him. 
Act!  A  woman's  arguments  affect  a  man  as  water 
does  a  cat.  He  simply  waits  for  them  to  dry  up — 
and  then  he  goes  out  and  does  as  he  pleases. 


BRIDES 

Never  doubt  his  word — even  when  you  know  he  is 
lying.  A  husband  is  like  religion:  to  give  you  any 
real  comfort,  he  must  be  taken  with  blind  faith. 

Never  put  him  on  a  leash.  The  dog  or  the  husband 
that  has  to  be  tied  is  always  the  one  that  eventually 
has  to  be  advertised  in  the  "lost"  columns. 

Never  forget  that  marriage  should  be  a  privilege, 
not  a  prison;  home  a  refectory,  not  a  reformatory; 
and  wives  jolliers,  and  not  jailers. 


BOB 


v& 


w 


SYNCOPATIONS 

A  "SOUL-MATE"    is   seldom   the    siren   who 
manages  to  drive  a  man  to  distraction,  but 
just  the  sympathetic  little  thing  who  always 
happens   to   come   along  when   he   is    looking  for 
distraction. 

Hanging  on  a  man's  word  may  flatter  him,  but 
hanging  on  his  neck  merely  frightens  him. 

Every  gay  dog  has  his  day — after. 

One  may  be  loved  forever !  It  is  the  vain  desire  to 
go  on  being  a  "heart-breaker"  after  one's  flirting 
days  are  over  that  constitutes  the  real  tragedy  of 
age. 

A  man  regards  a  woman's  love  first  as  an  unattain- 
able dream,  then  as  a  boon,  then  as  a  blessing,  then 
as  a  right,  then  as  a  matter-of-course — and,  last,  as 
a  punishment. 

A  man's  idea  of  "preserving  the  unities"  is  to  fin^ 
out  what  side  of  an  argument  his  wife  is  on,  and 
then  take  the  other  side,  in  order  to  keep  it  from 
sagging. 


After  a  bachelor's  heart  has  been  patched  up,  cut 
down  and  remodeled  to  fit  the  romantic  ideal  of  one 
girl  after  another,  there  is  seldom  enough  of  it  left 
to  go  all  the  way  around  the  honeymoon. 

There  is  no  question  of  degree  in  matrimony.  You 
can  be  a  little  bit  in  love  or  a  little  bit  ill ;  but  you 
can't  be  a  little  bit  married  or  a  little  bit  dead. 

Telling  lies  is  a  fault  in  a  boy,  an  art  in  a  lover, 
an  accomplishment  in  a  bachelor,  and  second-nature 
in  a  married  man. 

If  your  husband  is  wrapped  up  in  his  work  from 
9  A.M.  to  6  P.M.  you  needn't  bother  to  investigate 
his  morals.  Satan  wouldn't  waste  his  talents  trying 
to  tempt  a  man  with  so  little  time  and  energy  for 
the  devil's  business. 

You  can't  argue,  frighten  or  nag  a  man  into  loving 
you  just  because  he  "ought  to" — because,  dearie, 
love  is  not  exactly  a  man's  feeling  for  a  thought- 
censor,  a  creditor  or  a  critic-on-the-hearth. 


There  are  more  ways  of  killing  a  man's  love  than 
by  strangling  it  to  death — but  that's  the  usual  way. 

In  matters  of  the  heart  most  men  are  still  in  a  state 
of  barbarism,  slightly  tempered  by  woman. 

A  man  is  never  old  until  his  spirit  is  worn  out,  his 
rosy  hopes  have  turned  gray,  his  illusions  have 
faded  and  he  has  wrinkles  on  his  heart. 

An  optimist  is  merely  an  ex-pessimist  with  his 
pockets  full  of  money,  his  digestion  in  good  condi- 
tion and  his  wife  in  the  country. 

Every  time  a  man  hits  a  woman's  vanity  he  makes 
a  dent  in  her  love. 

A  man's  first  lie  wounds  a  woman's  heart,  the  sec- 
ond breaks  it,  the  third  mends  it,  and  all  the  rest 
simply  harden  it. 

Dissimulation  is  the  price  of  peace — but  it's  awfully 
hard  for  a  married  woman  to  preserve  the  peace  by 
deceiving  her  husband  into  thinking  that  he  is  de- 
ceiving her,  every  time  he  tries. 


•  ••• 


Of  course  men  are  not  so  suspicious  as  women.  A 
woman  in  love  would  be  jealous  of  a  store  dummy; 
but  how  can  a  man  possibly  suspect  that  any  girl 
on  whom  he  may  bestow  himself  could  ever  think 
of  anybody  else? 

A  good  woman  inspires  a  man,  a  brilliant  woman 
interests  him,  a  beautiful  woman  fascinates  him — 
but  the  considerate  woman  gets  him. 

There  never  was  a  man  too  nearsighted  to  see  the 
look  of  admiration  in  a  pretty  woman's  eyes. 

WIFE:  The  woman  from  whom  a  man  failed  to 
escape  and  to  whom  he  complacently  refers  as  "the 
little  woman  I  married." 

MARRIAGE:  The  intermission  between  the  wed- 
ding and  the  divorce. 

WEDDING:  The  point  at  which  a  man  stops 
toasting  a  woman  and  begins  roasting  her. 

Most  girls,  nowadays,  would  give  a  lot  for  a  few 
solid  vows,  a  few  unshrinkable  signs  of  devotion  and 
a  really  convincing  kiss. 


It  isn't  a  husband's  disinclination  to  listen  to  his 
wife's  conversation,  but  that  "I-am-ready-to-bear- 
with-you"  expression  with  which  he  does  it  that 
grates  on  her  nerves  so. 

The  average  man  has  so  much  heart  that  he  ap- 
parently thinks  it  a  pity  to  waste  it  all  on  one 
woman. 

Alas!  Why  is  it  that  when  your  cup  of  happiness 
is  full  somebody  always  jogs  your  elbow! 

Never  judge  a  man's  love  by  the  ardor  of  his  first 
kiss,  nor  by  the  tenderness  of  his  second,  but  by 
the  eagerness  with  which  he  seeks  the  third. 

When  it  comes  to  making  love,  a  girl  can  always 
listen  so  much  faster  than  a  man  can  talk. 

If  nothing  but  their  heart-strings  became  entangled, 
people  would  not  find  the  marriage  tie  so  binding; 
it  is  a  man's  purse-strings  and  a  woman's  apron- 
strings  that  really  form  the  Gordian  knot. 

In  love,  a  man  loses  first  his  head,  then  his  vanity, 
then  his  poise — and,  last  of  all,  his  heart. 


ill 


It  is  much  more  comfortable  to  be  considered  a 

"little  devil"  and  get  a  credit  mark  every  time  you 

do  anything  right,  than  to  be  considered  an  "angel" 

and  get  a  black  mark  every  time  you  do  anything 

human. 

Love   is   a   game   at  which   a  woman   must  play 

against   stacked   cards,  and  without  the   slightest 

inkling  of  the  trump. 

A  woman's  last  resort  is  henna — a  man's  Gehenna. 

To  a  woman  marriage  is  the  beginning  of  life;  to 

a  man  it  is  the  end  of  "liberty  and  the  pursuit  of 

happiness/' 

Perfect  wife:    That  which  a  married  man  always 

fancies  he  might  have   gotten  if  he  had  kept  on 

experimenting  a  little  longer. 

Why  is  it  that,  no  matter  how  much  a  man  thinks 

of  one  girl,  he  can't  help  thinking  of  a  lot  of  others 

at  the  same  time? 

Don't  waste  time  trying  to  break  a  man's  heart ;  be 

satisfied  if  you  can  just  manage  to  chip  it  in  a  brand 

new  place. 


T  IS  QUITE  CORRECT 
TO  SEND  YOUR  FORMER 
HUSBAND  A  GIFT  ON 
THE  ANNIVERSARY  OF 
YOUR  DIVORCE,  IN  RE- 
MEMBRANCE OF  "THE 
MANY  HAPPY  DAYS 
WHICH  YOU  HAVE 
SPENT— APART" 


In     remembran 


c  e 


Wf 


LI  VE,  the  quest ;  marriage,  the  conquest ;  divorce, 
the  inquest. 

Most  marriages,  nowadays,  seem  built  for  speed 
rather  than  for  endurance. 

A  divorcee  is  one  who  has  graduated  from  the  Co- 
respondence  School  of  Experience. 

Marriage,  according  to  the  merry  Widow-reno,  is 
a  "perfectly  lovely  experience  to  have  had!" 
Grass  Widow:  The  angel  whom  a  man  loved,  the 
human  being  he  married,  and  the  devil  he  divorced. 
Most  actresses  are  married — now  and  then;  most 
literary  women — off  and  on ;  most  society  women — 
from  time  to  time. 

In  olden  days,  the  lover  cried,  in  burning  words  and 

brave, 
"Oh  darling,  be  my  Queen,  my  Bride — and  let  me 

be  your  slave!" 

But  nowadays,  he  murmurs,  over  cigarette  and  tea, 
"Say,  when  you  get  your  next  divorce,  will  you 

(puff)  marry  me?" 

73 


DIVORCES 

When  a  woman  obtains  her  second  divorce,  one 
hardly  knows  whether  to  class  her  as  a  good  loser, 
a  bad  chooser,  or  just  a  "poor  sport." 

Why  is  it  that  when  a  man  hears  that  a  woman  has 
had  a  "past,"  he  is  always  so  anxious  to  brighten 
up  her  present? 

Many  a  woman's  sole  reason  for  getting  a  divorce 
is  because  she  is  tired  of  holding  onto  heaven  with 
one  hand  and  onto  a  man  with  the  other. 
When  two  people  decide  to  get  a  divorce,  it  isn't 
a  sign  that  they  "don't  understand"  one  another, 
but  a  sign  that  they  have,  at  last,  begun  to. 
That  "just-after-the-divorce"  feeling  is  not  the  ex- 
hilarating thing  many  people  imagine  it.    It  is  more 
like  the  mingled  sensation  of  pain  and  relief  that 
comes  the  moment  after  you  have  removed  a  tight 
slipper  and  before  the  ache  has  subsided. 
Divorce  is  the  Great  Divide,  over  which  most  men 
expect  to  pass  into  the  Happy  Hunting  Grounds. 
Reno!    The  land  of  the  free  and  the  grave  of  the 
home! 

74 


IN  the  abstract  a  man  admires  nobility  and  intel- 
ligence  in   a  woman;   but  in  the   concrete   he 
always  prefers  a  bird  of  Paradise  to  a  wren,  a 
decoration  to  an  inspiration  and  incense  to  common 
sense. 

"Intuition"  is  what  a  man  calls  a  girl's  ability  to 
see  through  him,  before  marriage;  "suspicion"  is 
what  he  calls  it,  after  marriage. 

Satan,  himself,  could  no  doubt  make  any  woman 
love  him,  if  he  took  the  trouble  to  convince  her 
that  it  was  "her  beauty  that  drove  him  to  Hades." 

Of  course,  polygamy  is  dreadful;  but,  at  least,  an 
Oriental  wife  can  come  within  four  or  five  guesses  of 
knowing  where  her  husband  spends  his  evenings. 

Take  care  of  a  woman's  vanity — and  her  love  will 
take  care  of  itself. 

Ever  since  Eve  started  it  all  by  offering  Adam  the 
apple,  woman's  punishment  has  been  to  have  to 
supply  a  man  with  food  and  then  suffer  the  con- 
sequences when  it  disagrees  with  him. 


THIRD    INTERLUDE 


JIHI  HI 


The  wings  of  love  are  not  clipped  by  marriage; 
they  merely  molt  for  lack  of  exercise. 

All  love  is  99.44  per  cent  pure:  pure  imagination, 
pure  vanity,  pure  curiosity,  pure  folly  or  whatever 
else  it  happens  to  be. 

Don't  waste  your  tears  on  the  girls  a  heart-breaker 
should  have  married  and  didn't;  save  them  for  the 
girl  he  will  marry  and  shouldn't. 

It  requires  a  little  moisture  to  make  a  postage 
stamp  stick  and  a  little  cold  water  of  indifference 
to  make  a  sweetheart  stick. 

There  are  only  two  kinds  of  perfectly  faultless  men 
— the  dead  and  the  deadly. 

In  order  to  see  a  man  in  his  most  interesting  colors 
a  woman  always  has  to  scrape  off  a  lot  of  unneces- 
sary whitewashing. 

Marriage  is  a  discord  that  turns  "Love's  Old  Sweet 
Song"  from  a  eulogy  into  an  elegy. 

The  height  of  the  average  girl's  ambition  is  just 
about  six  feet. 


THIRD    INTERLUDE 


You  can  always  cure  a  man  of  love-sickness  with 
"mental  suggestion"  merely  by  suggesting  to  him 
that  the  girl  is  trying  to  marry  him. 


Marriage  is  the  operation  by  which  a  woman's 
vanity  and  a  man's  egotism  are  extracted  without 
an  anaesthetic. 

Jealousy  is  the  false  alarm  that  wakes  us  up  from 
love's  young  dream. 

The  most  successful  men  are  not  those  who  have 
been  inspired  by  a  wise  woman's  love,  but  those 
who  have  perspired  in  order  to  gratify  a  foolish 
woman's  whims. 

It  is  easier  to  keep  half  a  dozen  lovers  guessing 
than  to  keep  one  lover  after  he  has  stopped  guess- 
ing. 

A  man's  soul  lies  so  close  to  his  digestion  that  when 
he  looks  blue  and  downhearted,  a  woman  never 
knows  whether  to  offer  him  a  kiss,  a  meal,  a  dose 
of  philosophy  or  a  dyspepsia  tablet. 


11 


THIRD    INTERLUDE 

A  woman  is  so  complex  that  she  can  prove  to  a 
man  by  every  possible  convincing  argument  that 
she  feels  nothing  but  platonic  friendship  for  him, 
at  the  same  time  that  she  is  thinking  how  she  would 
like  to  run  her  fingers  through  his  hair. 

One  reason  why  a  man's  life  is  so  much  fuller  than 
a  woman's  is  because  he  spends  nearly  three-quar- 
ters of  it  in  hunting  up  things  for  a  woman  to  do. 

Oh  yes,  a  woman  always  looks  up  to  a  brave,  strong 
man  whom  she  can  respect — and  then  nine  times 
out  of  ten,  goes  and  marries  some  pallid  weakling 
whom  she  can  "mother." 

A  man  spends  his  boyhood  struggling  against  an 
education,  his  youth  struggling  against  matrimony 
and  his  middle-age  struggling  against  embonpoint; 
but  sooner  or  later  he  succumbs  to  all  of  them. 

No  man  wants  an  "equal"  but  an  angel.  If  Satan 
himself  should  decide  to  marry  he  wouldn't  go 
around  looking  for  a  congenial  little  Satanette,  but 
for  a  paragon  who  had  a  pull  with  St.  Peter. 

- 


HALF  A  LOVE 


IS  BETTER 


THAN  NONE 


Half    a    love.  .. 


A  WIDOW  is   a  fascinating  being  with  the 
flavor  of  maturity,  the  spice  of  experience, 
the  piquancy  of  novelty,  the  tang  of  practiced 
coquetry,  and  the  halo  of  one  man's  approval. 

Second  mourning  is  that  interesting  period,  at  which 
a  widow  continues  to  weep  with  one  eye  while  she 
begins  to  flirt  with  the  other. 

When  a  widow  comes  in  at  the  door,  a  debutante's 
chances  fly  out  of  the  window. 

No  matter  how  many  wrinkles  a  widow  may  have 
in  her  face,  she  always  has  enough  at  her  finger- 
tips to  offset  them. 

Even  a  dead  husband  gives  a  widow  some  advan- 
tage over  a  spinster;  the  very  debts  her  husband 
left  afford  her  something  to  boast  about  to  the 
unmarried  woman  who  has  only  her  own  board 
bills  to  pay. 

A  girl  takes  a  man  for  better  or  for  worse — but 
a  widow  merely  takes  him  for  granted. 

81 


Girls  are  the  milk  and  honey  which  sweeten  a  man's 
life;  widows,  the  caviare  and  wine  which  relieve  its 
flatness  and  give  it  spice  and  piquancy. 

A  girl  knows  exactly  what  kind  of  man  she  wants 
to  marry;  but  a  widow  knows  all  the  kinds  she 
doesn't  want  to  marry,  and  usually  makes  a  safe 
selection  by  the  wise  process  of  elimination. 

A  widow's  chief  consolation  in  remarrying  is  prob- 
ably that  she  finds  it  less  exhausting  to  sit  up  and 
wait  for  one  man  to  come  home  evenings,  than  to 
sit  up  and  wait  for  a  lot  of  them  to  go  home. 

Widows  have  all  the  honor  and  glory  without  any 
of  the  trials  of  matrimony;  a  live  husband  may  be 
a  necessity,  but  a  dead  one  is  a  luxury. 

Matrimony  is  the  price  of  love — widowhood,  the 
rebate. 


V^rvW 
11 


PRING  flowers  are  like  spring  love,  so  sweet 
and  tender,  but  doomed  to  fade  quickly;  it's  in 
the  autumn  of  life,  or  of  the  year,  that  we 
get  the  hardy  variety  of  either. 

A  man  may  honestly  admire  a  superior  woman; 
but  when  it  comes  to  marrying,  he  usually  looks 
about  for  something  far  enough  beneath  him  to 
enjoy  being  ordered  about  and  patted  on  the  head. 

A  girl's  heart  is  like  her  dressing-table — crowded 
with  tenderly  cherished  little  souvenirs  of  love;  a 
man's,  like  his  pipe,  is  carefully  cleaned  and 
emptied  after  each  flame  has  gone  out. 

A  man  doesn't  ask  a  girl  to  "name  the  day"  any 
more;  he  merely  pleads  guilty  to  loving  her  and 
then  closes  his  eyes  while  she  passes  sentence  on 
him  and  decide  when  he  shall  begin  "serving  time." 

When  a  woman  reforms  she  bleaches  her  conscience 
down  to  the  roots  as  she  does  her  hair;  a  man 
simply  gives  his  a  coat  of  whitewashing  so  that  he 
will  have  a  nice,  clean  space  in  which  to  begin  all 
over  again. 


IMPROVISATIONS 


When  a  bachelor  sniffs  through  his  letters  before 
opening  them  in  the  morning,  it  is  not  a  sign  that 
he  is  looking  for  dynamite,  but  that  he  is  looking 
for  a  note  bearing  a  brand  of  sachet  which  he  has 
mistaken  for  some  girl's  "sweet  personality." 

At  the  awakening  from  love's  young  dream  the 
woman's  first  thought  is,  "How  can  I  break  his 
heart?"  The  man's,  "How  can  I  break  away?" 

A  man  falls  in  love  through  his  eyes,  a  woman 
through  her  imagination,  and  then  they  both  speak 
of  it  as  an  affair  of  "the  heart." 

No,  Clarice,  a  man's  idea  of  being  loved  isn't 
exactly  being  followed  around  with  a  hot  water 
bottle,  a  box  of  pills  and  the  eternal  question :  "Do 
you  love  me  as  much  as  ever?" 

One  grass  widow  doesn't  make  a  summer  resort — 
but  she  can  always  make  it  interesting. 

When  a  man  has  baggy  trousers  nowadays  it  is* 
from  falling  on  his  knees  to  an  automobile — not  to 
a  girl. 


A  black  lie  always  shows  up  against  the  dazzling 
background  of  truth;  it's  all  the  little  white  ones 
a  man  keeps  telling  you  that  can't  be  spotted  or 
distinguished  from  the  rest  of  his  conversation. 

The  only  time  when  a  sense  of  humor  profits  a 
woman  anything  is  when  she  can  laugh  at  herself 
for  having  tried  to  charm  a  man  by  dazzling  him 
with  it. 

Most  men  fall  in  love  with  a  sudden  jolt,  and  wake 
up  to  find  that  they  are  married  to  an  "impulse." 

It's  a  lame  love  that  has  to  be  carried  through  the 
honeymoon  in  a  three-thousand-dollar  touring  car. 

In  the  mathematics  of  a  bachelor  one  kiss  makes 
a  flirtation,  two  kisses  make  one  conquest,  three 
kisses  make  a  love-affair  and  four  kisses  make  one 
tired. 

There  are  "chain-smokers"  who  light  one  cigarette 
from  the  dying  end  of  another — and  there  are  also 
"chain  lovers"  who  light  one  flame  from  the  dying 
embers  of  another. 


IMPROVISATIONS 


Eve  had  one  advantage  over  all  the  rest  of  her  sex. 
In  his  wildest  moments  of  rage  Adam  never  could 
accuse  her  of  being  "just  like  her  mother!" 

Every  woman  has  a  different  notion  of  an  ideal 
husband ;  but  every  woman's  ideal  lover  is  the  same 
impossible  combination  of  saint  and  devil,  brute 
:and  baby,  hero  and  mollycoddle,  that  never  is  seen 
anywhere  off  the  stage  or  outside  the  pages  of  a 
"best  thriller." 

Love  is  a  voyage  of  discovery,  marriage  the  goal — 
and  divorce  the  relief  expedition. 

A  man  never  can  comprehend  why  a  woman  can't 
understand  how  he  can  be  dead  in  love  with  one 
girl  and  acutely  alive  to  the  charms  of  a  lot  of 
others  at  the  same  time. 

Jealousy   is    the    tie    that    binds — and    binds — and 

binds. 

It  is  not  the  fear  of  being  shipwrecked  that  keeps 
a  bachelor  from  embarking  on  the  sea  of  matri- 
mony; it  is  the  awful  horror  of  being  becalmed. 

86 


£M^&m 


^^^^^^^>^f 

mfas^r 


IMPROVISATIONS 


Nowadays  most  women  grow  old  gracefully;  most 
men,  disgracefully. 

A  man  can  forgive  a  woman  for  having  made  a  fool 
of  herself  over  any  man  on  earth — except  himself. 
Eternity:  The  interval  between  the  time  when  a 
woman  discovers  that  a  man  is  in  love  with  her 
and  the  time  when  he  finds  it  out  himself  and  tells 
her  about  it. 

The  follies  which  a  man  regrets  the  most,  in  his  life, 
are  those  which  he  didn't  commit  when  he  had  the 
opportunity. 

In  the  average  man's  opinion  the  command,  "Thou 
shalt  not  steal,"  does  not  apply  to  a  kiss,  a  heart, 
an  umbrella,  an  hotel  or  an  after-dinner  story. 
To  a  woman  the  first  kiss  is  just  the  end  of  the 
beginning;  to  a  man,  it  is  the  beginning  of  the  end. 
The  qualities  a  man  seeks  in  a  bride  no  more  re- 
semble those  he  will  want  in  a  wife  than  a  cabaret 
rag-ditty  resembles  a  lullaby,  but  two  years  ahead 
is  farther  than  any  man  can  see  when  he  is  looking 
into  a  pretty  girl's  eyes. 

87 


YOU  MAY  GROOM,  YOU 
MAY  POLISH  HIM  UP 
AS  YOU  WILL, 

BUT  THE  MARK  OF  THE 
"MARRIED  MAN" 
CLINGS  TO  HIM  STILL. 


You   may  polish  him   up.  .  . 


THE  tenderest,  most  impressionable  thing  on 
earth  is  the  heart  of  a  yearling  widower. 

Of  course  it  is  easier  to  marry  a  widower  than  a 
bachelor.  A  man  who  has  been  through  the  Arma- 
geddon of  one  marriage  has  no  spirit  of  battle  left 
in  him. 

When  a  widow  begins  curling  her  hair,  again,  or 
a  widower  begins  worrying  about  his  thinness  on 
top,  Cupid  chuckles  and  gets  out  his  arrows  and 
Satan  smiles  behind  his  hand. 

In  the  matrimonial  market  a  seasoned  bachelor  is 
just  a  shop-worn  remnant;  a  divorce  is  a  cast-off, 
second-hand  article;  but  a  widower  is  a  treasured 
heirloom  inherited  only  through  death. 


After  his  wedding  day,  a  man  usually  tucks  all  the 
flattering  adjectives  and  tender  nothings  in  his 
vocabulary  away  in  a  pigeon-hole  and  marks  them 
"Not  to  be  opened  until  widowerhood." 


Perhaps  there  may  not  be  so  much  excitement  in 
marrying  a  widower;  but  there  is  a  lot  more  com- 
fort in  getting  something  that  another  woman  has 
broken  to  double  harness  than  in  lashing  yourself 
to  a  bucking  bronco  fresh  from  the  wild. 

No  matter  how  unhappy  a  man  may  have  been  with 
his  first  wife  nothing  on  earth  will  make  him  flatter 
her  successor  by  acknowledging  that  she  was  not  a 
combination  of  Circe,  St.  Cecilia  and  the  Venus  di 
Milo. 

The  girl  who  marries  a  widower  may  be  a  sort  of 
"second  edition/'  but  the  girl  who  marries  a  sea- 
soned bachelor  is  apt  to  be  a  forty-second  edition. 

When  a  widower  vows  he  will  "never  marry  again," 
listen  for  the  wedding  bells!  The  "Never-agains" 
are  the  easiest  fruit  in  the  Garden  of  Love.  It's  the 
"Never-at-alls !"  who  are  harder  than  a  newsboy's 
conscience,  colder  than  yesterday's  kiss,  and  less 
impressionable  than  a  boarding-house  steak. 


n 


If  a  woman  could  foresee  how  irresistible  her  hus- 
band would  look  with  a  bereaved  expression  on  his 
face  and  a  black  band  on  his  coat  sleeve,  it  would 
give  her  the  strength  to  live  forever. 

Some  widowers  are  bereaved — others,  relieved. 

A  man  may  forget  all  about  how  to  make  love  dur- 
ing ten  years  of  matrimony,  but  it's  wonderful  how 
quickly  he  can  brush  up  on  the  fine  points  again 
after  he  becomes  a  widower. 


BOB 


HBHG55HHHH5B 


FOURTH    INTERLUDE 


MAN  always  looks  at  a  woman  through  either 
the  right  or  the  wrong  end  of  a  telescope, 
and  thus  always  sees  her  as  a  divinity  or  a 
devil — never  as  a  human  being. 

Business  girl's  motto :  "Better  marry  and  be  a  poor 
man's  slave  than  stay  single  and  be  a  rich  man's 
stenographer." 

When  a  clever  girl  lets  fly  the  arrows  of  wit  she 
should  be  careful  to  see  that  a  man's  vanity  is  not 
the  bull's  eye. 

It  is  difficult  for  a  man  to  reconcile  a  girl's  absorb- 
ing interest  in  picture-hats,  pearl  powder,  and 
Paquin  models  with  real  brains;  but  somehow  his 
own  enthusiasm  for  baseball  and  golf  never  seems 
to  him  incompatible  with  superior  intelligence. 

Don't  fancy  your  husband  has  ceased  to  love  you 
merely  because  he  no  longer  seems  to  notice  your 
presence  around  the  house ;  wait  until  he  gets  so 
that  he  doesn't  even  notice  your  absence. 


FOURTH    INTERLUDE 


H 


A  good  husband  is  one  who  will  get  up  and  lift 
the  ice  off  the  dumbwaiter  instead  of  lying  back  and 
lifting  his  voice  to  tell  you  how  to  do  it  without 
"hurting  your  itsy  bitsy  fingers." 

The  shallower  a  man's  love,  the  more  it  bubbles 
over  into  eloquence.  When  his  emotions  go  deep, 
words  stick  in  his  throat,  and  have  to  be  hauled 
out  of  him  with  a  derrick. 

To  be  happy  with  a  man  you  must  understand  him 
a  lot  and  love  him  a  little;  to  be  happy  with  a 
woman  you  must  love  her  a  lot  and  not  try  to 
understand  her  at  all. 

A  man  with  savoir  faire  may  scintillate  in  a  crowd, 
but  it  takes  a  "bashful  man"  to  shine  in  a  dim  cozy 
corner. 


jpliffl 


Every  bride  fancies  that  she  married  the  original 
"cave-man"  until  she  tries  to  persuade  him  to  go 
out  and  argue  with  the  furniture-movers. 


FOURTH    INTERLUDE 


I 


HI 


What  a  man  calls  his  conscience  in  a  love  affair 
is  merely  a  pain  in  his  vanity,  the  moral  ache  that 
accompanies  a  headache,  or  the  mental  action  that 
follows  a  sentimental  reaction. 

It  never  pays  to  compromise !  Cheap  clothes,  cheap 
literature,  cheap  sports,  cheap  flirtations — a  life 
.filled  with  these  is  nothing  but  an  electric  flash, 
advertising  "something  just  as  good." 

Just  at  first,  every  man  seems  to  fancy  that  it  takes 
nothing  but  brute  force  and  determination  to  run 
an  automobile  or  a  wife;  after  the  smash-up  he 
changes  his  mind. 

Brains  and  beauty  are  an  impossible  combination 
in  a  woman — not  necessarily  impossible  to  find,  but 
impossible  to  live  with. 

When  a  woman  looks  at  a  man  in  evening  dress, 
she  sometimes  can't  help  wondering  why  he  wants 
to  blazon  his  ancestry  to  the  world  by  wearing  a 
coat  with  a  long  tail  to  it. 


FOURTH    INTERLUDE 


When  a  man  says  he  loves  you  don't  ask  him 
"Why,"  because  by  the  time  he  has  found  his  reason 
he  will  undoubtedly  have  lost  his  enthusiasm. 

Pshaw!  It  is  no  more  reasonable  to  expect  a  man 
to  love  you  tomorrow  because  he  loves  you  today, 
than  it  is  to  assume  that  the  sun  will  be  shining 
tomorrow  because  the  weather  is  pleasant  today. 

Sending  a  man  a  sentimental  note,  just  after  he  has 
spent  the  evening  with  you,  has  about  the  same 
thrilling  effect  as  offering  him  a  sandwich,  imme- 
diately after  dinner. 

A  "good  woman,"  according  to  Mrs.  Grundy,  is  one 
who  would  scorn  to  sacrifice  society  for  the  sake  of 
a  man  but  will  cheerfully  sacrifice  the  man  she 
marries  for  the  sake  of  society. 

The  flower  of  a  man's  love  is  not  an  immortelle, 
but  a  morning-glory;  which  fades  the  moment  the 
sun  of  a  woman's  smiles  becomes  too  intense  and 


FOURTH    INTERLUDE 

The  sweetest  part  of  a  love  affair  is  just  before  the 
confession  when  you  begin  discussing  love  in  the 
abstract  and  gazing  concretely  into  one  another's 
eyes. 

Marriage  is  a  photogravure  made  from  the  glowing 
illusions  which  Love  has  painted  on  the  canvas  of 
the  heart. 

A  woman  may  have  to  reach  heaven  before  she 
tastes  supernal  joy;  but  to  taste  supreme  punish- 
ment she  has  only  to  watch  the  love-mist  die  out 
of  a  man's  eyes. 

Nothing  frightens  a  man  like  a  woman's  stony 
silence.  Somehow  in  spite  of  his  lack  of  intuition, 
he  has  a  subconscious  premonition  that  her  love  is 
dead  when  she  is  too  weary  and  disinterested  to 
"answer  back." 

The  satisfaction  in  flattering  a  man  consists  in  the 
fact  that,  whether  you  lay  it  on  thick  or  thin,  rough 
or  smooth,  a  little  of  it  is  always  bound  to  stick. 


FOURTH    INTERLUDE 


Love  is  a  furnace  in  which  the  man  builds  the  fire. 


and  forever  afterward  expects  the  woman  to  keep 
it  glowing,  by  supplying  all  the  fuel. 

The  gods  must  love  summer  flirtations — they  die  so 
young. 

A  man  may  have  heart  enough  to  love  more  than 
one  woman  at  a  time,  but  unless  he  is  a  fatalist  he 
should  have  brains  enough  not  to  try  it. 

When  love  dies  a  wise  married  couple  give  its  ashes 
a  respectful  burial,  and  hang  a  good  photograph 
of  it  on  the  wall  for  the  benefit  of  the  public. 


97 


WUWM. 


EVERY  TIME  A  MAN 
FALLS  IN  LOVE  HE 
FANCIES  THAT  HE  HAS 
JUST  DISCOVERED  A 
BRAND  NEW  SENSATION; 
BUT,  ALAS,  IT  ALWAYS 
TURNS  OUT,  LIKE  THE 
HOTEL  SOUP,  TO  BE 
JUST  THE  SAME  OLD 
"STOCK"  WITH  A  DIF- 
FERENT FLAVORING 


A  brand   new   sensation 


ill  ii  iyii 


SECOND    MARRIAGES 

HINTS  ON  HOW  TO  CONDUCT  ENCORE 
PERFORMANCES  OF  THE   CEREMONY 

BRIDE  at  her  second  wedding  does  not  wear 
a  veil.  She  wants  to  see  what  she  is  get- 
ting. 

Always  send  your  former  husband  a  notice  of  your 
marriage ;  true  politeness  consists  in  giving  pleasure 
to  others. 

If  you  meet  your  ex-husband's  fiancee,  treat  her 
with  sympathetic  courtesy.  Remember  that  she  is 
more  to  be  pitied  than  scorned. 

If  the  bridegroom  does  not  show  up,  marry  the  best 
man.  After  a  few  weeks  you  will  not  be  able  to 
notice  the  difference  between  them.  Either  will 
make  you  the  same  old  excuses,  tell  you  the  same 
stories  and  give  you  the  same  "stock"  kisses  in  the 
morning. 


SECOND   MARRIAGES 

When  your  second  husband  begins  to  speak  wist- 
fully of  your  first  husband,  do  not  chide  him;  re- 
member that  misery  loves  company,  and  perhaps  it 
is  a  comfort  to  him  to  think  that  some  one  else  has 
been  as  foolish  as  he  has. 

Never  consider  your  wedding  a  settled  thing  until 
you  have  gotten  the  man  to  the  altar.  The  primary 
rule  for  marrying  is  "First  catch  your  husband !" 

Besides,  there's  many  a  slip  'twixt  the  license  and 
the  certificate — and  you  may  let  him  slip. 

In  selecting  husbands,  always  consider  that  it  is 
quality,  not  quantity,  that  counts. 

One  or  two  marriages,  like  one  or  two  drinks,  may 
not  have  any  visible  effect  upon  you.  But  don't 
make  it  a  custom. 


SECOND    MARRIAGES 

A  woman  marries  the  first  time,  you  know,  for 
love,  the  second  time  for  companionship,  the  third 
time  for  a  support — and  the  rest  of  the  time  just 
from  habit. 

When  marrying  a  second  time  refrain  from  asking 
your  friends  what  they  think  about  it.  Remember 
that  they  all  think  you  are  a  fool. 


MAN'S  kisses  are  first  reverent,  then  raptur- 
ous, then  tender,  then  casual,  and  last — 
charitable. 

The  hardest  thing  in  life  is  to  discover  the  exact 
geographical  location  of  a  man's  grouch — whether 
it  is  in  his  tooth,  his  vanity  or  his  digestion,  or  is 
just  a  chronic  condition  of  the  whole  system. 

Being  in  love  is  like  a  fascinating  spin  at  will  in  an 
automobile;  being  married,  like  a  trolley  trip  on 
rails,  with  somebody  ringing  the  bell  at  you  every 
few  minutes. 

A  woman's  love  is  composed  of  maternal  tender- 
ness, childlike  inconsistency,  torturing  jealousy  and 
sublime  unselfishness — and  how  is  a  man  ever  going 
to  comprehend  a  mixture  like  that? 

Alas,  why  is  it  that  the  most  popular  and  fascinat- 
ing women  are  so  often  the  last  to  marry,  and  then 
•c*="3*f   nearly  always  pluck  either  a  broken  stick  from  the 
tide  of  life  or  a  brand  from  the  burning? 


way  more  than  half  of  the  time. 


Some  women  can  be  fooled  all  of  the  time,  and  all 
women  can  be  fooled  some  of  the  time,  but  the  same 
woman  can't  be  fooled  by  the  same  man  in  the  same 


[Ml 


A  woman  always  wants  her  photograph  to  flatter 
her,  but  a  man  is  perfectly  satisfied  if  he  gets  one 
that  looks  as  fascinating  and  impressive  as  he  thinks 
he  does. 

A  jealous  husband  can  put  two  and  two  together — 
and  make  fourteen. 

When  a  man  hesitates  to  propose  to  a  girl  he  is 
never  quite  sure  whether  it  is  the  fear  of  being 
"turned  down"  or  the  fear  of  being  "taken  up" 
which  paralyzes  him. 

Spring  is  the  time  of  the  year  when  the  eternal 
monotony  of  the  daily  grind  gives  a  man  brain-fag 
— and  the  eternal  monotony  of  any  one  girl  appears 
to  give  him  heart-fag. 


A  wise  woman  puts  a  grain  of  sugar  into  everything 
she  says  to  a  man  and  takes  a  grain  of  salt  with 
everything  he  says  to  her. 

Of  course,  a  girl  hates  to  wound  a  man ;  but  some- 
times, after  a  painful  parting,  it  would  seem  so  much 
more  artistic  if  he  would  only  remain  "wounded" 
just  a  little  longer. 

Making  a  man  promise  to  drop  a  woman  simply 
excites  his  sympathy  for  her,  so  that,  before  he  has 
fairly  cut  the  string,  he  is  anxious  to  tie  a  knot  in 
it  again. 

The  hardest  task  of  a  girl's  life,  nowadays,  is  to 
prove  to  a  man  that  his  intentions  are  serious. 

Love,  without  faith,  illusions  and  trust,  is — Lord 
forgive  us — cinders,  ashes  and  dust! 

A  man  who  strays  for  love  of  a  woman  may  some- 
times be  reclaimed;  but  the  man  who  strays  for 
love  of  amusement  or  love  or  novelty  will  never 
"stay  put"  for  any  girl. 


Most  girls,  nowadays,  would  give  almost  as  much 
for  a  little  genuine  sentiment  and  a  really  convinc- 
ing kiss,  as  for  a  genuine  "old  master"  and  a  really 
convincing  novel. 

There  are  a  hundred  things  that  the  cleverest  man 
in  the  world  never  can  understand — and  ninety-nine 
of  them  are  women. 

Many  a  man  who  is  too  tender-hearted  to  pour  salt 
on  an  oyster  will  pour  sarcasm  all  over  his  wife's 
vanity  and  then  wonder  why  she  always  shrivels 
up  in  her  shell  at  the  sight  of  him. 


A  grub  may  become  a  butterfly,  but  the  man  who 
marries  a  butterfly,  expecting  to  turn  her  into  a 
grub,  should  remember  that  nature  never  works  that 
way. 

A  married  man's  hardest  cross  is  not  to  be  able  to 
brag  to  his  wife  about  the  women  who  "tried  to 
flirt  with  him." 


n 


Plato  has  lured  more  men  into  matrimony  than 
Cupid.  A  man  can  see  an  arrow  coming  and  dodge 
it,  but  platonic  friendship  strikes  him  in  the  back. 

Many  a  man  has  started  out  to  "string"  a  girl,  and 
gotten  so  tangled  up,  that  the  string  ended  in  a 
marriage  tie. 

Habit  is  the  cement  which  holds  the  links  of  mat- 
rimony together  when  the  ties  of  romance  have 
crumbled. 

He  that  telleth  a  secret  unto  a  married  man  may 
prepare  himself  for  a  lot  of  free  advertising;  for, 
lo,  the  conjugal  pillow  is  the  root  of  all  gossip. 

To  make  a  man  perfectly  happy  tell  him  he  works 
too  hard,  that  he  spends  too  much  money,  that  he 
is  "misunderstood"  or  that  he  is  "different;"  none 
of  this  is  necessarily  complimentary,  but  it  will 
flatter  him  infinitely  more  than  merely  telling  him 
that  he  is  brilliant,  or  noble,  or  wise,  or  good. 

106 


After  a  woman  has  lain  awake  half  the  night  in 
order  to  be  able  to  call  her  husband  in  time  to  catch 
his  train  it's  rather  hard  to  be  hated  for  it,  just  like 
an  alarm  clock. 

A  man  expects  a  woman  to  laugh  at  all  his  jokes, 
admire  all  his  bon  mots,  agree  with  all  his  opinions, 
and  be  blind  to  all  his  faults — and  then  he  scorn- 
fully wonders  why  women  are  so  "hypocritical." 

A  diamond  and  a  lump  of  coal  are  merely  two 
varieties  of  carbon ;  but  they  are  as  different  as  the 
two  things  which  the  right  wife  and  the  wrong  wife 
can  make  of  the  same  man. 

Sometimes  man  proposes — and  then  keeps  the  girl 
waiting  until  the  Lord  kindly  interposes. 


A  WOMAN 
FLEES  FROM 
TEMPTATION, 
BUT  A  MAN 
JUST  CRAWLS 
AWAY  FROM  IT 
IN  THE  CHEER- 
F  U  L  HOPE 
THAT  IT  MAY 
OVERTAKE  HIM 


ill 


A  man  just  crawls  away.  .  . 


WOMAN— AND  HER  INFINITE  VARIETY 
(A   LEAF   FROM   ADAM'S   DICTIONARY.) 


W 


OMAN — A  divine  creation  for  the  comfort 
and  amusement  of  mankind. 


RIB — That  part  of  man's  self  of  which  he  thinks 
the  least  and  brags  the  most. 

WIFE  (The  Inferior  Fraction)— The  excuse  for  all 
a  man's  sins,  the  cause  of  all  his  failings,  the  keeper 
of  his  conscience,  the  guardian  of  his  digestion,  and 
the  repository  of  his  grouches. 

BETTER-HALF— The  half  that  is  always  left  at 
home. 

COQUETTE — Any  woman  who  is  so  unreasonable 
as  not  to  return  a  man's  affections. 

FLIRT — Any  woman,  over  whom  a  man  has  in- 
sisted on  making  a  fool  of  himself. 

OLD  MAID — An  unmarried  woman  with  more 
wrinkles  than  money. 


11 


WOMAN— AND  HER  INFINITE  VARIETY 


n 


BACHELOR  GIRL — An  unmarried  woman  with 
more  money  than  wrinkles. 

KITTEN — Any  woman  under  sixty  for  whom  a 
man  feels  a  temporary  tenderness. 

QUEEN — A  pretty  woman  whom  a  man  has  not 
yet  kissed. 

"IDEAL" — The  particular  woman,  to  whom  a  man 
happens  to  be  making  love. 

CLINGING  VINE— A  woman  who  allows  her  hus- 
band to  think  that  he  is  having  his  own  way. 

HELPMATE — A  combination  of  playmate,  soul- 
mate,  and  light-running  domestic. 

GODDESS — An  impossible  woman,  who  exists 
only  in  novels  and  in  a  man's  imagination. 

PARAGON — The  kind  of  woman  a  man  ought  to 
marry,  wants  to  marry,  intends  to  marry — and  never 
does. 

no 


PESSIMISM  IS  A  MAN'S 
NATURAL  REACTION 
AFTER  TOO  MUCH 
OF  ANYTHING-WINE, 
LOVE,  FOOD,  FLIRTA- 
TION OR  OPTIMISM 


MAXIMS  OF  CLEOPATRA 


IHESE  three  things  Man  feareth :  Oysters 

out  of  season, 
A  Babe  that  plays  with  fire,  and  a  Woman 
who  can  reason! 


Last  year's  sandals  and  yesterday's  fish, 
Last  night's  kisses  and  last  week's  wish 
Are,  to  a  Man,  things  gone  and  past ; 
Likewise   the  woman  before  the  last! 


MAXIMS    OF   CLEOPATRA 


3 

The  soul  of  a  man  is  white — or  black,  or  yellow, 

or  dun; 

But  a  woman's  soul  is  a  rainbow  and  a  Roman 
sash  in  one. 


Empty   the    words    of    the   prayer,    when    the 

Pharisee  prayeth  aloud; 
Empty  the  words  of  love,  when  he  praiseth  thee 

in  a  crowd. 
Yet,  he  that  is  cold  in  the  crowd,  but  seeketh 

thine  ear  when  alone, 
In  the  land  of  the  Great  God  Isis  by  the  name 

of  "Cad"  shall  be  known. 


MAXIMS    OF   CLEOPATRA 


As  the  pearl  that  I  dropped  in  the  glass  can 

never  again  be  mine, 
So  many  a  pearl  of  woman's  love  hath  a  man 

dissolved — in  wine. 


Geese  walk  not  alone;  sheep  will  follow  sheep; 
So  this  little  maxim  I  would  have  ye  keep: 
Would  ye  conquer  all  men,   make  a  fool   of 

one — 
The  rest  will  turn  toward  thee,  as  lilies  to  the 

sun. 


MAXIMS    OF   CLEOPATRA 


The  young  man  calleth  for  wine,  the  old  for 

crystal  water. 
Seek  not  to  enslave  a  boy  till  thou  art  thirty, 

Daughter. 

8 

When  the  game  is  over,  vain  the  loser's  sigh. 
To  thy  parting  lover,  wave  a  gay  good-by! 
'Neath  the  storm-cloud  bending,  see  the  lily 

laugh. 

If  Love's  reign  be  ending — write  his  epitaph! 
Deck  his  grave  with  iris;  blot  away  his  name. 
Isis  and  Osiris,  make  thy  Daughter  game! 


MAXIMS    OF   CLEOPATRA 


Flatter  him  boldly,  Daughter,  be  he  old  or  wise 

or  callow; 
For  there  is  no  meed  of  flattery  that  a  man  will 

fail  to  swallow. 
Yet,  after  a  time,  desist;  lest  perchance,  in  his 

vanity, 
He  wonder  why  such  a  demi-god  should  stoop 

to  a  worm  like  thee ! 


10 


Call  the  bald  man,  "Boy;"  make  the  sage  thy 

toy; 
Greet  the  youth  with  solemn  face;  praise  the 

fat  man  for  his  grace. 


WHERE  IS  THE  SWEET, 
OLD-FASHIONED  WIFE 
WHO  USED  TO  GET  UP 
AT  6  O'CLOCK  IN  THE 
MORNING  AND  COOK 
HER  HUSBAND'S 
BREAKFAST?  GONE, 
GONE,  ALAS,  WITH 
THE  SWEET  OLD-FASH- 
IONED  HUSBAND 
WHO  USED  TO  COME 
HOME  AT  6  O'CLOCK 
IN  THE  EVENING  AND 
STAY  THERE 


A/L  the  love  routes  lead  to  a  kiss — but  some 
men  make  love  with  the  directness  of  an 
express  train,  some  as  haltingly  as  a  local 
and  some  with  the  charm,  smoothness  and  variation 
of  a  "special." 

When  a  man  complains  of  the  girls  who  "pursue" 
him,  don't  forget  that  the  mark  of  a  real  "girl- 
charmer"  is  his  dead  silence  concerning  all  women 
except  the  one  to  whom  he  happens  to  be  talking. 

A  man's  idea  of  displaying  "resolution"  appears  to 
be  first  to  find  out  what  a  woman  wants  him  to  do, 
and  then  to  proceed  "resolutely"  not  to  do  it. 

Presence  of  mind  in  love  making  is  a  sure  sign  of 
absence  of  heart ;  no  man  begins  to  be  serious  until 
he  begins  to  be  foolish. 

The  girl  a  man  marries  is  never  the  one  he  ought 
to  marry  or  intended  to  marry,  but  just  some  "inno- 
cent bystander"  who  happened  to  be  in  the  way  at 
the  psychological  moment. 


FINALE 

A  woman's  heart  is  like  a  frame,  which  holds  only 
one  picture  at  a  time;  a  man's  is  more  like  a  cine- 
metograph. 

A  man's  love  is  not  actually  dead  until  he  begins 
subconsciously  to  think  of  his  wife  as  the  person 
who  makes  him  wear  his  rubbers,  mow  the  lawn, 
put  up  the  fly-screens,  and  explain  where  he  has 
been  all  Saturday  afternoon. 

The  average  man  is  so  busy  backing  away  from  the 
girls  he  ought  to  marry  that  he  usually  backs  right 
into  the  arms  of  the  one  woman  under  Heaven 
that  he  ought  not  to  marry. 

A  man  is  like  a  motor-car  which  always  balks  on 
the  trolley-tracks  and  runs  at  top  speed  down  hill; 
a  wife  is  the  human  brake  that  prevents  him  from 
going  to  destruction. 

When  a  girl  refuses  a  man  his  greatest  emotion  is 
not  disappointment,  but  astonishment  that  she 
should  be  so  blind  to  her  own  luck. 


aaeaaaanoac 


Nothing  bores  a  man  so  much  as  for  a  woman  to 
give  him  all  her  love — when  he  wanted  only  a 
ftttte  of  it. 

Solomon  was  the  only  man  who  ever  had  six  hun- 
dred and  ninety-nine  alibis  when  one  of  his  wives 
detected  the  fragrance  of  another  woman's  sachet 
on  his  coat  lapel. 

Every  man  "rocks  the  boat"  of  happiness  at  least 
once  during  a  love  affair — usually  by  trying  to  leap 
out  of  it  before  it  lands  in  the  port  of  Matrimony. 
All  a  man  needs  in  order  to  win  any  woman  is  a 
little  audacity,  a  little  mendacity  and  plenty  of  per- 
tinacity. 

The  only  chain  that  can  bind  love  is  an  endless 
chain  of  compliments. 

When  a  woman  doesn't  marry  it  is  usually  because 
she  has  never  met  the  man  with  whom  she  could 
be  perfectly  happy;  but  when  a  man  remains  single 
it  is  usually  because  he  has  never  met  the  woman 
without  whom  he  could  not  be  perfectly  happy. 


Most  men  expect  to  "reform"  between  the  last  dose 
of  medicine  and  the  last  breath. 

Speaking  of  the  modern  advance  in  the  "arts  and 
crafts"  it  requires  more  art  to  get  a  husband  and 
more  craft  to  keep  one  nowadays,  than  it  ever  did. 

A  frank  man  may  be  the  noblest  work  of  God,  but 
he  is  as  much  of  a  nuisance  in  feminine  society  as 
a  woman  on  a  fishing  trip. 

There  is  always  a  chance  that  a  man  may  escape 
from  the  bonds  of  matrimony;  but  an  old  bachelor 
is  wedded  by  all  the  bonds  of  nature  to  a  collection 
of  habits  from  which  nothing  but  death  can  divorce 
him. 

By  the  time  he  marries,  a  bachelor's  heart  has  been 
pressed,  cleaned  and  mended  so  often  that  it  will 
barely  hold  together  through  the  honeymoon. 


121 


11 


It  seems  so  unreasonable  of  man  to  expect  a  woman 
to  think  straight,  walk  straight,  or  talk  straight, 
considering  that  she  was  made  from  his  rib — the 
crookedest  bone  in  his  body. 


Motto  for  a  married  man's  den:  "Others  love  your 
wife,  why  not  you?" 

A  man's  idea  of  being  perfectly  loyal  to  a  woman 
is  to  "think  of  her  always"— even  when  he  is  kiss- 
ing another  woman. 

Love  is  just  a  glittering  illusion  with  which  we  gild 
the  hard,  cold  facts  of  life — until  all  the  world  seems 
bright  and  shining! 

Most  men  are  so  busy  dodging  one  love  affair  that 
they  step  right  back  under  the  wheels  of  another, 
and  are  fatally  mangled. 


A  brave  man  is  always  ready  to  "face  the  music 
provided  it  isn't  that  old  tune  from  Lohengrin. 


If  married  couples  would  show  as  much  respect 
for  one  another's  personal  liberty,  habits  and  pref- 
erences as  they  do  for  one  another's  toothbrushes, 
love's  young  dream  would  not  so  often  turn  into  a 
nightmare.  It  is  the  Siamese  twin  existence  they 
impose  on  themselves  that  drives  them  to  distrac- 
tion or  destruction. 

A  man  kills  time  with  a  golf  stick;  a  woman  with 
a  lip-stick. 

It  is  foolish  to  fancy  that  a  man  is  thinking  of  pro- 
posing to  you ;  a  man  never  proposes  to  any  woman, 
until  he  has  gotten  past  "thinking." 


If  a  man  would  employ  a  little  more  commonsense 
before  marriage  and   a  little  more   incense  after-    !•••« 
wards,  matrimony  would  be  more  of  an  inspiration 
and  less  of  a  visitation. 

Never  trust  a  husband  too  far,  nor  a  bachelor  too 
near. 


The  man  who  takes  a  kiss  "for  granted"  doesn't 
stand  a  chance  beside  the  man  who  takes  it  before 
it  is  granted. 

Husband:  A  miniature  volcano,  constantly  smok- 
ing, usually  grumbling,  and  always  liable  to  violent 
and  unexpected  eruptions. 

On  the  journey  of  matrimony,  there  are  no  garages 
where  punctured  illusions  can  be  patched  up,  shat- 
tered ideals  mended,  and  empty  hearts  refilled. 

Of  course  a  man  is  not  as  jealous  as  a  woman — 
because  it's  so  hard  for  him  to  believe  that  a  girl 
on  whom  he  bestows  himself  could  possibly  wish 
for  anything  better. 

The  making  of  a  husband  out  of  a  mere  man  is  not 

a  a  sinecure ;  it's  one  of  the  highest  plastic  arts  known 
to  civilization. 

Before  marriage  a  woman  says  sweetly,  "I  under- 
stand you !"  After  marriage  she  says  coldly,  "I  see 
through  you!" 


FINALE 

Oh,  what  is  so  stupid  as  last  year's  song, 
So  foolish  as  last  year's  fashion, 

So  completely  forgotten  as  last  year's  girl, 
And  so  dead  as  a  last  year's  passion? 

CURTAIN 


OTHER      BOOKS      BY 


IP  Wit 


THE  SAYINGS  OF  MRS.  SOLOMON 

Being  the  confessions  of  the  700th  wife.  A 
book  that  is  much  appreciated  and  is  destined  to 
entertain  Helen  Rowland's  fast  growing  audience 
for  years  to  come. 

"Yet  whichever  he  weddeth,  he  regretteth  it 
all  the  days  of  his  life." 

Prom  the  Sayings  of  Mrs.  Solomon 


REFLECTIONS   OF    A    BACHELOR   GIRL 

Clever,  cynical  and  witty,  with  a  philosophical 
trend  that  will  entertain  men  and  woman  alike — 
the  older  ones— the  younger  ones.  Read  this 
book  for  a  mirror  likeness  to  yourself. 

Border  decorations  in  color  size  5  x  7i, 
A  Laugh  on  Every  Page 


HELEN      ROWLAND 


THE    WIDOW    (TO    SAY    NOTHING    OF 
THE  MAN) 

Here  is  a  little  book  of  delightful  love  stories, 
brimful  of  clever,  witty  epigrams.  The  Widow 
is — well,  say  that  she  is  lovable — only  more  so; 
and  the  Man — read,  know  and  love  both. 

Illustrated  bound  in  boards  4|  x  7i. 


:llll» 

n 


RUBAIYAT  OF  A  BACHELOR 

An  exceedingly  clever  parody  both  in  verses 
and  illustrations.  Every  yearning,  timorous 
bachelor  should  read  and  ponder;  so,  too,  each 
damsel,  read  and — "then,  in  your  mercy,  Friend, 
forbear  to  smile." 

Illustrations  and  border  decorations  by  Harold 
Speakman,  attractively  bound  in  cloth  with  inlay 
in  color  size  5f  x  7i. 

A  Laugh  on  Every  Page 


n 


^i^yvm 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  «*.$$.£  on  the  last  date  stamped  below 


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